(no subject)

Okay, so if anyone's wondering, yes, the woman (henceforth "E.") I was negotiating with decided I was too needy for her tastes. And it sucks.

At the same time, she was the one making demands, though they were negative. And, she asked me to be honest, and not censor myself, but then made her decisions based upon things I would have censored had she not asked me to do otherwise.

The trouble when you're socially clumsy is that the "well, it's her loss" line doesn't really help. Because once you've broken the first, most frightening barrier, and have hope, to lose that hope is still a loss.

Yeah, it probably *IS* her loss... but it's also mine.

And it doesn't help me figure out where to go next. It's like looking a brick wall that you have to break down with your fists. You know other people have done it, but maybe they had a plasterboard wall... or maybe they knew where to hit... or maybe they knew that if you punched in one spot, over and over, they'd get through, or that you have to keep hitting everywhere, looking for a weak spot.

The hard thing is, you know that if you don't punch as hard as you can, you don't have a chance at breaking through. But you start to flinch at the pain before you throw your punch. And it's not just a matter of will... it's not just "if you can forget the pain, and force yourself, you'll throw a good punch". You have to know how. And each attempt hurts. And you don't know if anyone can teach you to try without all that pain.


Sigh. At least in newsgroups, I have a chance. I can talk, and let people see the contents of my mind, and appreciate a bit of who I am, before they meet me.

But even that's scary... too often, I don't know the other people well enough to feel comfortable with them, because of my screwed up memory. And... and because of the fear.

A very dear friend of mine and I were corresponding in email. When we finally met, I wanted to hold her, to hug her, and kiss her. I wanted to see a smile on her lips and feel that it was there partly because of me.

I couldn't... the fear was there, too strong. I would reach out, and demand too much. I would impose.

We kissed before I left... she later said she was surprised I didn't know it would happen. And how can you explain it?

People will laugh. They'll scorn you. Just putting up with you is a burden. Good heavens, don't add to the burden by asking them for something.

The very concept that I could be denying someone something by not giving part of me to them is one I have a hard time understanding. That is, that I was denying her my kisses by being afraid to ask for hers, was just something that I wasn't capable of thinking about. I could only formulate it in terms of "I want/will she give?" not "does she want/should I offer?"

I had another minor epiphany when talking to Sharon and Liz (a couple of friends I met over the weekend, but I'm not sure if it'll help.

They were talking about music and playing to the audience... I'm pretty sure that's how it came out. The idea was to look at what the audience wanted.

But... how could you do that when you don't know what the audience wants, I wondered.

Maybe they were good enough that they could read the audience a bit like one lover reads another? And part of it was 'just trying' stuff, but watching the reactions?

If so, the problem is that, in the art of person-to-person interaction, I'm an untried virgin with no specific fantasies, and terrified that no one wants to 'do' an inexperienced person, and I'm afraid that the best I can hope for is a 'fake orgasm'.

Then again, sooner or later, if you want to have sex, you have to go to bed a virgin in hopes of ending the situation.

laugh-with-cynical-overtone... but I have erectile difficulties, and there isn't any viagra for this condition. Tough thing for a virgin to deal with.

(no subject)

Okay, so if anyone's wondering, yes, the woman (henceforth "E.") I was negotiating with decided I was too needy for her tastes. And it sucks.

At the same time, she was the one making demands, though they were negative. And, she asked me to be honest, and not censor myself, but then made her decisions based upon things I would have censored had she not asked me to do otherwise.

The trouble when you're socially clumsy is that the "well, it's her loss" line doesn't really help. Because once you've broken the first, most frightening barrier, and have hope, to lose that hope is still a loss.

Yeah, it probably *IS* her loss... but it's also mine.

And it doesn't help me figure out where to go next. It's like looking a brick wall that you have to break down with your fists. You know other people have done it, but maybe they had a plasterboard wall... or maybe they knew where to hit... or maybe they knew that if you punched in one spot, over and over, they'd get through, or that you have to keep hitting everywhere, looking for a weak spot.

The hard thing is, you know that if you don't punch as hard as you can, you don't have a chance at breaking through. But you start to flinch at the pain before you throw your punch. And it's not just a matter of will... it's not just "if you can forget the pain, and force yourself, you'll throw a good punch". You have to know how. And each attempt hurts. And you don't know if anyone can teach you to try without all that pain.


Sigh. At least in newsgroups, I have a chance. I can talk, and let people see the contents of my mind, and appreciate a bit of who I am, before they meet me.

But even that's scary... too often, I don't know the other people well enough to feel comfortable with them, because of my screwed up memory. And... and because of the fear.

A very dear friend of mine and I were corresponding in email. When we finally met, I wanted to hold her, to hug her, and kiss her. I wanted to see a smile on her lips and feel that it was there partly because of me.

I couldn't... the fear was there, too strong. I would reach out, and demand too much. I would impose.

We kissed before I left... she later said she was surprised I didn't know it would happen. And how can you explain it?

People will laugh. They'll scorn you. Just putting up with you is a burden. Good heavens, don't add to the burden by asking them for something.

The very concept that I could be denying someone something by not giving part of me to them is one I have a hard time understanding. That is, that I was denying her my kisses by being afraid to ask for hers, was just something that I wasn't capable of thinking about. I could only formulate it in terms of "I want/will she give?" not "does she want/should I offer?"

I had another minor epiphany when talking to Sharon and Liz (a couple of friends I met over the weekend, but I'm not sure if it'll help.

They were talking about music and playing to the audience... I'm pretty sure that's how it came out. The idea was to look at what the audience wanted.

But... how could you do that when you don't know what the audience wants, I wondered.

Maybe they were good enough that they could read the audience a bit like one lover reads another? And part of it was 'just trying' stuff, but watching the reactions?

If so, the problem is that, in the art of person-to-person interaction, I'm an untried virgin with no specific fantasies, and terrified that no one wants to 'do' an inexperienced person, and I'm afraid that the best I can hope for is a 'fake orgasm'.

Then again, sooner or later, if you want to have sex, you have to go to bed a virgin in hopes of ending the situation.

laugh-with-cynical-overtone... but I have erectile difficulties, and there isn't any viagra for this condition. Tough thing for a virgin to deal with.