Re-iteration of a lesson learned

I'd like to be dead, I was thinking. No more having to worry, no more having to hurt. No more having to plod through life.

What mattered? Nothing really. What hope was there? None. Did I ever think life would change for the better?

Weren't all of my dreams of being 'special' doomed to failed frustration? Let's face it... what do I really *DO*? What the hell makes me worthwhile? The fact of the matter is, I'm an overweight, undisciplined, 35 year old man with nothing to recommend me to me, let alone anyone else. God damn it, I'm so *TIRED*....

Tired.

Tired = depressed. The equation that can be said to define my life. (Now, is there a way to program "tired" alarms to go off before "worthless" alarms?

I started with 20mg Adderall.

Then, I probably shouldn't have, but parlayed 'depression treatment' into a 'no worries' meal at Wendy's. I threw away some of the french fries (they weren't good... and I noticed... and knew I had to eat a couple more, but then could say "I don't need this" and put them away. (Good thing, too... I bought some "Sea Salt and Vinegar" potato chips, my current favorite. I don't need extra calories on top of those.)
(remainder, slightly more upbeat bits placed after a cut-line...)
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Re-iteration of a lesson learned

I'd like to be dead, I was thinking. No more having to worry, no more having to hurt. No more having to plod through life.

What mattered? Nothing really. What hope was there? None. Did I ever think life would change for the better?

Weren't all of my dreams of being 'special' doomed to failed frustration? Let's face it... what do I really *DO*? What the hell makes me worthwhile? The fact of the matter is, I'm an overweight, undisciplined, 35 year old man with nothing to recommend me to me, let alone anyone else. God damn it, I'm so *TIRED*....

Tired.

Tired = depressed. The equation that can be said to define my life. (Now, is there a way to program "tired" alarms to go off before "worthless" alarms?

I started with 20mg Adderall.

Then, I probably shouldn't have, but parlayed 'depression treatment' into a 'no worries' meal at Wendy's. I threw away some of the french fries (they weren't good... and I noticed... and knew I had to eat a couple more, but then could say "I don't need this" and put them away. (Good thing, too... I bought some "Sea Salt and Vinegar" potato chips, my current favorite. I don't need extra calories on top of those.)
(remainder, slightly more upbeat bits placed after a cut-line...)
( Read more... )

Minor update to previous entry

I suppose I could say "two minor updates"...

First, E., the woman I'm negotiating with, emailed me back and said not to take it personally, she was just busy. (Interesting note: "take it personally" upset me a moment... "Why would I be *MAD*?" I thought. Then I realized that the expression doesn't mean "don't get mad", it means "don't think I'm doing it because it's you, personally, that it's happening to.") She also said she was thinking about getting back to me before going to bed at night for the past while.

Second, Chris has been to a registered nurse practitioner (they have those as primary care folks out here... which sounds like a good idea in some cases. Maybe it's prejudice, but I always feel as if nurses are more practical than doctors), and she's chasing down a therapist. I've given her some pointers, and some encouragement, but other than that, I'm trying to step back.

Minor update to previous entry

I suppose I could say "two minor updates"...

First, E., the woman I'm negotiating with, emailed me back and said not to take it personally, she was just busy. (Interesting note: "take it personally" upset me a moment... "Why would I be *MAD*?" I thought. Then I realized that the expression doesn't mean "don't get mad", it means "don't think I'm doing it because it's you, personally, that it's happening to.") She also said she was thinking about getting back to me before going to bed at night for the past while.

Second, Chris has been to a registered nurse practitioner (they have those as primary care folks out here... which sounds like a good idea in some cases. Maybe it's prejudice, but I always feel as if nurses are more practical than doctors), and she's chasing down a therapist. I've given her some pointers, and some encouragement, but other than that, I'm trying to step back.