So, how do you make it an entry?

[johnpalmer]

So, I'm having a tired day today.

No big deal, really, but it's a reminder that despite changes in many parts of my life, my body is still ruled by problems that I can't ignore... and my brain is still part of my body.

I'm tired, and not feeling very ambitious, nor am I feeling that ambition will be particularly rewarded. It'd be very easy to go back to bed, after e-mailing my boss and saying that I'm sick, but I have some work that I need to do today, and a meeting at 2 pm. Plus, once I acknowledge that I'm allowed to go home when I'm sick, if that illness is purely the result of ADHD/Depression/etc., well, it'll be too easy to give up and go home a lot more often, until suddenly I realize I'm about to lose my job due to excessive absences.

Do I speak from experience? No... but I do know that I could easily take about 20% of my working days off sick. So, I need to watch myself, carefully, when it comes to sick time for these things.

In the end, I also know what I need to make things better, at least at at work, and I know that I'm not likely to get it. My job has become less-than-satisfying recently, partly because I have too many things to do, and partly because one of those things ("make sure everyone knows just how much I'm doing") is unsatisfying, and can easily double the amount of time I'm working.

I had an interesting reminder recently, though, of what I can do. See, it was about the middle of March last year when I decided I would learn SQL Server. It was Memorial day weekend of last year - yes, about two months later - when I started taking tests.

I don't remember now whether I was shooting for ten weeks, and got it in twelve, or twelve, and got it in 13-14, or if I was shooting for twelve and got it in twelve. And I'm *good* at SQL Server.

Oh, I'm not a SQL god, by any stretch of the imagination. I still need to double check things here and there, because I'm only doing them for the second or third time, in many cases.

But, yeah... I learn fast, and I do well with the stuff I've learned.

I guess what I'm asking myself right now is whether I should be making my job here better for myself, or whether I should be willing to abandon a bad job situation, and look for a better one.

Maybe that's what I'll make my "real" job be this week.

Comments

[barbarakitten-t.livejournal.com]

damn, joh...

i must have missed something, because i thought this was a good job...

...i hope you start feeling better...

*HUG*

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well, about a month ago, I found out that there were some nasty rumblings about the job I was doing because they were engaged in some pretty bad mismanagement. Now, things are changing some, but, damn it all, I know human nature. They aren't thinking "my heavens, what idiots we were, to be handicapping one of our best, brightest workers"... no, the next time they think I'm slowing down, they'll think "this is just like that last time when he'd stopped doing anything useful for a long time...."

The problem is, most of the work I've been doing is invisible... it's the "keep things from breaking, or get them working again", and without a manager watching me, no one knows how hard I'm working.

And, I'm just frustrated because there have been a lot of changes, and not all of them are good ones, and I have to make some decisions soon, and I don't want to, and... well, a whole bunch of things.

Sigh. The long and the short of it is, I don't trust my job any more. I don't have faith in the company to do for me as well as I'm doing for them.

And it got kind of overwhelming this morning, on top of a really tired day, but the day has gotten better, now that I got out and got some exercise during my lunch hour.

[barbarakitten-t.livejournal.com]

that's important. it's hard when your job isn't fulfilling and you know you aren't appreciated enough for the work you do. i understand that.

take care of yourself...

*HUG*

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I have been taking care of myself, and I've found some changes... how they will mesh with my ordinary working life, I don't know... but changes have occurred.

I love you, Barbara.

(No particular reason to say that, but it's true, and I'd like you to have heard it.)

[barbarakitten-t.livejournal.com]

I love you, Barbara.

(No particular reason to say that, but it's true, and I'd like you to have heard it.)

i like the way you put that explaination...

you know i love you too, john...

[erin-c-1978.livejournal.com]

Plus, once I acknowledge that I'm allowed to go home when I'm sick, if that illness is purely the result of ADHD/Depression/etc., well, it'll be too easy to give up and go home a lot more often, until suddenly I realize I'm about to lose my job due to excessive absences.

Do I speak from experience? No... but I do know that I could easily take about 20% of my working days off sick. So, I need to watch myself, carefully, when it comes to sick time for these things.

I had that problem at my previous job during a rather bad point of my life, depression-wise. It sucks, and it's very hard to deal with, and I feel for you.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thanks; I think I have it at bay, now, with a little magic work, a little sleep, and a few minor victories at work.

This is one of the few times it helps *not* to have a person at work looking over my shoulder; I wasn't exactly winning any prizes for punctuality :-).

[siliconivy.livejournal.com]

Plus, once I acknowledge that I'm allowed to go home when I'm sick, if that illness is purely the result of ADHD/Depression/etc., well, it'll be too easy to give up and go home a lot more often, until suddenly I realize I'm about to lose my job due to excessive absences.

Do I speak from experience? No... but I do know that I could easily take about 20% of my working days off sick. So, I need to watch myself, carefully, when it comes to sick time for these things.

I empathize completely, having gone through the same thing. I was working in a job where I worked from home & it wasn't very challenging. this was during a very bad depression. I had days on end where I made a nest on my couch & didn't move to do anything. I barely ate, let alone work. It didn't help that the company kept raving over the little bit of work I was doing, because it made me realize that they had no idea what it is I usually worked like. my therapist at the time kept telling me I had to switch jobs, go work in an office, something that would give me structure. I eventually did & while I still have days of not wanting to get out of bed (& the occassionaly day of giving in to it), getting out helped a lot.

I guess what I'm asking myself right now is whether I should be making my job here better for myself, or whether I should be willing to abandon a bad job situation, and look for a better one.

you could do both. I mean, see if there is anything you can do that will make your current job more bearable, but start looking for a better sitch.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Nod. That's one thing that's been calling to me, and it's one of my long term feelings... "what if my dream job has just been advertised on Monster.com, and I don't bother to look for it? What if there's one of my old friends thinking "You know, it's crazy, but I remember this guy, Palmer... no, JOHN, he doesn't like being called by his last name for some reason, anyway, he'd be perfect for this job, oh, well, I guess we have to hire someone else."

So, tomorrow (today is *packed* for a Saturday), I'll start searching Monster, and other job search sites.

[siliconivy.livejournal.com]

good luck with it!

btw, i hope you don't mind that I friended you, oh, a while back. I kept reading your posts to siliconshaman. I was a newbie & didn't realize that it's polite to let people know that you did that.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

...it's a reminder that despite changes in many parts of my life, my body is still ruled by problems that I can't ignore... and my brain is still part of my body.

"Ruled" might have been the right word at one time, but I wonder if it still is? Considering how well you're doing at coping, I suspect "influenced" or "affected" might be more accurate. A little difference, maybe, but you know how I am about naming things ...

(Just noting progress where I see it, love.)

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well... I'd love to say "influenced" or "affected", but the fact of the matter is, the body always has veto power, when you get right down to it.

But, I am saying that my *body* is ruled by problems... not that *I* am. My body gets tired and unable to focus the brain, but *I* am the one who can try to work through that or around it. And, how I am able to do so has changed.