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May. 24th, 2004 11:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerWell, I am either continuing to undergo a period of spiritual growth, or suffering from a mild manic phase. I'm choosing to believe the former, though I suppose I should keep in mind my inability to leap tall buildings with a single bound. I'm having some strange feelings, mostly insofar as I am not having any of the strange feelings that are too-damn-normal for me.
Like what? Well, when I was at the work party on Saturday, I was chopping at vegetation with a pair of clippers, and I stopped being afraid that somebody was going to jump on me for doing something wrong. I could have said this before, but this time I would have meant it: they shouldn't have sent a man out with a pair of clippers, and no instruction, unless they were sure he needed no instruction. If I ended up cutting something that I wasn't supposed to cut, I would apologize, and if they wanted to yell at that point, I'd strip off my gloves, drop my clippers, and turn and walk away. It was that easy.
Then, later, after it had been raining for a while, and I was starting to get cold, I realized that two of the other people who were working were probably getting cold too. I had $8 in my pocket; that's enough for two premium coffees, but not necessarily for three. A 20 ounce latte can easily run to four dollars.
I asked a group of people who were clearly doing some preparation if there was anyone available to do coffee run for these other two fellows. Well, no one was, but I wasn't then, and I'm not now, embarrassed or bothered by the fact that I was offering to buy for someone else, while not offering to buy for myself. If some bozo decided that I was showing off, or trying to make myself look good, well, I wasn't. Mind you, if I had $12 in my pocket, I have been asking for somebody to run out and get coffee for all three of us ... I was just playing "macho cold-resistant dude". Plus, since I'm doing a low carbohydrate diet, I've mostly sworn off of coffee. If I could have gotten a large, decent cup of tea, I might have gone for that, but if I want a latte, I have to have it made with half and half, which is good, but very rich, and I have to be in the mood for it.
Here's another thing: I publicly posted about something that could be considered to be bragging in my LiveJournal, and actually made the post, and didn't regret it later. (We'll see how this prediction bears out, eh?)
When I was talking about having a mild manic phase, I was mostly joking, but this had bloody well better not be anything like that.
One thing that I would like to ask, and that is I would like to know if anyone reading anything from me is feeling bothered by it.
It used to be that if I were asking something like this, it would be motivated by fear. I would be so afraid that I had inadvertently given offense, or driven someone away, that I needed to know, so I could try to fix things.
This time, I'm asking it because I find that I have thrown away a lot of my old habits. Now, a lot of those habits were bad ones, but it is easy to fall into the trap of changing everything, including the good stuff. It's like, I'm reveling in the fact that I am not being driven as much by fear of what I might do wrong, or who I might offend. I know full well that the danger in such revelry is that you stop caring about who you hurt, or who you offend. I need to find the balance between not being driven by fear, and not caring at all. I *think* I'm just not being driven by fear, and still caring "enough, but not too much"... but it's always hard to know from the inside.
Like what? Well, when I was at the work party on Saturday, I was chopping at vegetation with a pair of clippers, and I stopped being afraid that somebody was going to jump on me for doing something wrong. I could have said this before, but this time I would have meant it: they shouldn't have sent a man out with a pair of clippers, and no instruction, unless they were sure he needed no instruction. If I ended up cutting something that I wasn't supposed to cut, I would apologize, and if they wanted to yell at that point, I'd strip off my gloves, drop my clippers, and turn and walk away. It was that easy.
Then, later, after it had been raining for a while, and I was starting to get cold, I realized that two of the other people who were working were probably getting cold too. I had $8 in my pocket; that's enough for two premium coffees, but not necessarily for three. A 20 ounce latte can easily run to four dollars.
I asked a group of people who were clearly doing some preparation if there was anyone available to do coffee run for these other two fellows. Well, no one was, but I wasn't then, and I'm not now, embarrassed or bothered by the fact that I was offering to buy for someone else, while not offering to buy for myself. If some bozo decided that I was showing off, or trying to make myself look good, well, I wasn't. Mind you, if I had $12 in my pocket, I have been asking for somebody to run out and get coffee for all three of us ... I was just playing "macho cold-resistant dude". Plus, since I'm doing a low carbohydrate diet, I've mostly sworn off of coffee. If I could have gotten a large, decent cup of tea, I might have gone for that, but if I want a latte, I have to have it made with half and half, which is good, but very rich, and I have to be in the mood for it.
Here's another thing: I publicly posted about something that could be considered to be bragging in my LiveJournal, and actually made the post, and didn't regret it later. (We'll see how this prediction bears out, eh?)
When I was talking about having a mild manic phase, I was mostly joking, but this had bloody well better not be anything like that.
One thing that I would like to ask, and that is I would like to know if anyone reading anything from me is feeling bothered by it.
It used to be that if I were asking something like this, it would be motivated by fear. I would be so afraid that I had inadvertently given offense, or driven someone away, that I needed to know, so I could try to fix things.
This time, I'm asking it because I find that I have thrown away a lot of my old habits. Now, a lot of those habits were bad ones, but it is easy to fall into the trap of changing everything, including the good stuff. It's like, I'm reveling in the fact that I am not being driven as much by fear of what I might do wrong, or who I might offend. I know full well that the danger in such revelry is that you stop caring about who you hurt, or who you offend. I need to find the balance between not being driven by fear, and not caring at all. I *think* I'm just not being driven by fear, and still caring "enough, but not too much"... but it's always hard to know from the inside.
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Date: 2004-05-25 06:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-25 07:00 pm (UTC)I mean, I can be arrogant. Hell, can be, I'm the most arrogant motherfucker on the planet. People *yearn* to do so much as *aspire* to be as arrogant as me. I set new standards, I... I'm overdoing it again, aren't I?
Um. Anyway, I mean, I *can* be arrogant, and not double-check myself, especially when I feel good. It's easy for anyone to mistake "this feels really good" for "this is right."
no subject
Date: 2004-05-25 07:10 pm (UTC)And yeah, that was a little over the top there, darlin'. (-;
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Date: 2004-05-25 07:50 pm (UTC)Okay, I'll stop. (See? I'm stopped; I'm so dead still that the impossible 'universal frame of reference' has suddenly become possible because I'm 'stopped' to every single location in the universe...)
You're right, though... I couldn't stop caring. I could stop being as careful as I'd like to be, but I can't imagine not caring.
(See? I'm avoiding the joke so you know I'm being serious. I'm avoiding the joke better than any man who ever lived! People who thought it was funny, and were laughing, are brought to tears by the level to which I'm avoiding it! Umm... either that, or they're being brought to tears by over-use of the joke. So, for real this time....)
Goofball...
Date: 2004-05-25 08:08 pm (UTC)*wicked grin*
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Date: 2004-05-25 11:10 am (UTC)Well, I, for one, am enjoying it thoroughly. It's a good change to see, whatever it's driven by.
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Date: 2004-05-25 01:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-25 07:12 pm (UTC)I didn't agree... and I said what I wanted to say, but later, I wondered if I was careful enough, especially when I re-read it. I mean, I said "I could be wrong; you might know PersonA better than me, *but* I see an alternate explanation". And I said something like "You wouldn't say PersonA was sucking up to pain if PersonA was going through (a different form of painful experience), I bet."
I know I would have included more wording, or said things differently, even just a few weeks ago. Does that mean I was willing to hope the other person understood, willing to explain if they didn't, and if things went downhill, willing to accept that misunderstandings happen?
Or was I going in to "PAH! I know better than you, foolish mortal!" mode?
I *do* have that mode... and I'd like to believe it's going to lie forever dormant, because it was part of my coping from the past, but I also know that the easiest way to be an arrogant cuss is to think "Me, be an arrogant cuss? Preposterous! I have more humility in my little finger than most people have in their whole body!"
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Date: 2004-05-25 06:20 pm (UTC)I understand the initial feeling of fear. I hope it eases for you in time, as you become more accustomed to the changes within yourself. (I believe that's why so many explanations and disclaimers get posted in my journal. I'm constantly walking the self-perceived line between needing my own safe space for my thoughts and feeling, and not wanting to hurt or offend my friends and loved ones. I understand the fear.)
And no, as someone else who has experienced it, your last few posts haven't sounded at all manic to me.
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Date: 2004-05-25 10:54 pm (UTC)But, in the end, while I feel good about a lot of things, I'm realizing that I'm extremely realistic about a lot of things as well. I've had a couple of phases where I'm sure I was sliding towards hypomania, and I started figuring I crank crank out thousands of words of writing a day, and such. Well, I *am* getting some writing done, but I know that it's going to be long, hard slogging to get actual books out of it.
:-) Aw, damn, I'm going to have to accept that certain things in my life are getting better, rather than me having a problem with my meds.