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May. 20th, 2004 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerThis is probably a long, boring post about pain, communication, me, and more... since it's certainly long, I'll include a cut tag...
It's been an interesting past few days, because a lot of strange things have been going through my mind, and I think I'd been coming to grips with some things that have been bothering me for a long time.
One of the things that I've discovered is that certain things cause predictable responses in my brain, which I suppose sounds relatively obvious, but I'm referring to responses that might not be the ordinary type of response.
It seems that that breakdowns in communication cause a type of pain and in me, kind of like fingernails on a blackboard. When those miscommunications are causing problems, then it gets even more painful, and I think that if I see someone who is being hurt, because their message is being missed, it becomes something like white-hot fire.
Now, I have always known that I disliked miscommunications, and I would almost say that I generally consider communication to be sacred. But, I realized that miscommunications actually cause me pain, after a fashion, and that's probably why I have fought against them, so many times, in so many venues.
This does raise a bothersome question for me, of course. How do I know when it is fair for me to respond to a situation that's causing me pain, based upon the pain that it is causing me, if it doesn't actually involve me?
I also had another revelation that is similarly obvious, but I finally realized that I could do something with it. I realized that there are times when I will understand something that many other people, maybe even most people, won't. I described it in another person's journal as my brain going "click", and suddenly something becomes incredibly obvious. It becomes so obvious, that it's hard to realize that it might not be as obvious to someone else. That means that it might not be anywhere near as bad for people to be misinterpreting that information, as it would be it were as obvious to everyone else as it was to me.
(my anti bragging circuits are insisting with that I do not suggest that I am some kind of wonderfully perceptive person, so let me throw in the disclaimer, that I'm not actually saying that. It's more like, there's something that I can see, that isn't as visible to everyone. Conversely, there are things that other people see that are nearly invisible to me. And, of course, I notice the things that visible to me, but invisible to others, much more frequently than I can notice my own blind spots, because, well, my blind spots are invisible. At least, they're invisible to me, or they wouldn't be blind spots. )
Anyway, I think that was a crucial insight, that might let me walk away from misunderstandings more easily. I've always known that there are times when people just can't get it, but I don't think I ever recognized what it means to say that a person *can't* get it.
I don't think that'll ever be able to look at a breakdown in communication without a strong desire to bridge the gap in understanding, but, I think that I might find it easier to walk away when appropriate now. Sometimes, one can't make the invisible visible, and walking away is the only viable possibility.
I also realize to our that a lot of things cause me a lot of pain. The world, to me, can be a very loud, painful, scary place.
The thing is, when a lot of things cause you pain, you can't really talk about it that much, for a variety of reasons. You don't want to be a drama queen, you don't want to whine, you don't want to drag anybody down, you don't want to admit to any vulnerability, nor show any weakness, unless you feel that the world is a friendly place ... which I don't. You don't to be seen as damaged goods, someone who needs to be protected from hurt, you don't want people to feel sorry for you, or to think that you're feeling sorry for yourself, and, when the pain is purely mental (or emotional, spiritual, et cetera, rather than physical) it's natural to hide it, because it doesn't show, so you couldn't prove it, so you can't expect anyone to care.
I think that, now that I am gaining a deeper understanding of the types of pain that I feel, I'll have a better chance of dealing with them, and, possibly eliminating them.
Part of this bothers me, however. I try to be very skeptical about magic, psychic abilities, etc., but the most obvious explanation, assuming that it could be an explanation, would be that I am an empath, and I am sensing emotional energy in uncomfortable ways. If there is some way that a person's brain can receive emotional energy, and sense what's going on with it, then it would certainly not be unreasonable to guess that this might be what my problem is.
Part of the reason I feel this way is that I find intense emotions uncomfortable in other people, and I have always been frightened of of certain types of emotional displays. A lot of people feel uncomfortable about certain types of emotional displays, of course, and, since I didn't grow up in the world's most perfect, happy, family, it wouldn't be surprising if I found anger and so should to be frightening. But I don't exactly find anger frightening so much for what might happen, and as I find it uncomfortable for how it feels when I'm aware that someone is angry. If you were hearing a high-pitched noise right now, you might feel uncomfortable; you might not be able to eliminate that discomfort until you realized that you were hearing that noise.
I suppose that it's also possible that I'm simply sleep deprived (I certainly am sleep deprived, I haven't gotten a good night's sleep this week) and coming up with a goofy ideas.
It's been an interesting past few days, because a lot of strange things have been going through my mind, and I think I'd been coming to grips with some things that have been bothering me for a long time.
One of the things that I've discovered is that certain things cause predictable responses in my brain, which I suppose sounds relatively obvious, but I'm referring to responses that might not be the ordinary type of response.
It seems that that breakdowns in communication cause a type of pain and in me, kind of like fingernails on a blackboard. When those miscommunications are causing problems, then it gets even more painful, and I think that if I see someone who is being hurt, because their message is being missed, it becomes something like white-hot fire.
Now, I have always known that I disliked miscommunications, and I would almost say that I generally consider communication to be sacred. But, I realized that miscommunications actually cause me pain, after a fashion, and that's probably why I have fought against them, so many times, in so many venues.
This does raise a bothersome question for me, of course. How do I know when it is fair for me to respond to a situation that's causing me pain, based upon the pain that it is causing me, if it doesn't actually involve me?
I also had another revelation that is similarly obvious, but I finally realized that I could do something with it. I realized that there are times when I will understand something that many other people, maybe even most people, won't. I described it in another person's journal as my brain going "click", and suddenly something becomes incredibly obvious. It becomes so obvious, that it's hard to realize that it might not be as obvious to someone else. That means that it might not be anywhere near as bad for people to be misinterpreting that information, as it would be it were as obvious to everyone else as it was to me.
(my anti bragging circuits are insisting with that I do not suggest that I am some kind of wonderfully perceptive person, so let me throw in the disclaimer, that I'm not actually saying that. It's more like, there's something that I can see, that isn't as visible to everyone. Conversely, there are things that other people see that are nearly invisible to me. And, of course, I notice the things that visible to me, but invisible to others, much more frequently than I can notice my own blind spots, because, well, my blind spots are invisible. At least, they're invisible to me, or they wouldn't be blind spots. )
Anyway, I think that was a crucial insight, that might let me walk away from misunderstandings more easily. I've always known that there are times when people just can't get it, but I don't think I ever recognized what it means to say that a person *can't* get it.
I don't think that'll ever be able to look at a breakdown in communication without a strong desire to bridge the gap in understanding, but, I think that I might find it easier to walk away when appropriate now. Sometimes, one can't make the invisible visible, and walking away is the only viable possibility.
I also realize to our that a lot of things cause me a lot of pain. The world, to me, can be a very loud, painful, scary place.
The thing is, when a lot of things cause you pain, you can't really talk about it that much, for a variety of reasons. You don't want to be a drama queen, you don't want to whine, you don't want to drag anybody down, you don't want to admit to any vulnerability, nor show any weakness, unless you feel that the world is a friendly place ... which I don't. You don't to be seen as damaged goods, someone who needs to be protected from hurt, you don't want people to feel sorry for you, or to think that you're feeling sorry for yourself, and, when the pain is purely mental (or emotional, spiritual, et cetera, rather than physical) it's natural to hide it, because it doesn't show, so you couldn't prove it, so you can't expect anyone to care.
I think that, now that I am gaining a deeper understanding of the types of pain that I feel, I'll have a better chance of dealing with them, and, possibly eliminating them.
Part of this bothers me, however. I try to be very skeptical about magic, psychic abilities, etc., but the most obvious explanation, assuming that it could be an explanation, would be that I am an empath, and I am sensing emotional energy in uncomfortable ways. If there is some way that a person's brain can receive emotional energy, and sense what's going on with it, then it would certainly not be unreasonable to guess that this might be what my problem is.
Part of the reason I feel this way is that I find intense emotions uncomfortable in other people, and I have always been frightened of of certain types of emotional displays. A lot of people feel uncomfortable about certain types of emotional displays, of course, and, since I didn't grow up in the world's most perfect, happy, family, it wouldn't be surprising if I found anger and so should to be frightening. But I don't exactly find anger frightening so much for what might happen, and as I find it uncomfortable for how it feels when I'm aware that someone is angry. If you were hearing a high-pitched noise right now, you might feel uncomfortable; you might not be able to eliminate that discomfort until you realized that you were hearing that noise.
I suppose that it's also possible that I'm simply sleep deprived (I certainly am sleep deprived, I haven't gotten a good night's sleep this week) and coming up with a goofy ideas.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 06:10 am (UTC)I've heard people (some of them who post in LJ) talk about empathic "shielding". I don't know enough about it, but it sounds to me as if it might be a fruitful concept for you to study a bit.
Now get some sleep.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 10:50 pm (UTC)It's the notion that maybe there's a real, honest-to-goodness energy that I can sense that makes me nervous.
I've e-mailed a friend to ask about a particular perception that I hope will help me verify whether or not what I'm seeing is at least consistent with what other people see. If it is, I'm going to tentatively decide to pretend that it's real, and see if that leads to better results than my constant skepticism.
Herm. Beloved, I think I once told you *why* I've been pushing skepticism so much... because having some form of 'magical empathy' is something that I want, and wishful thinking scares the heck out of me, because people can be so easily convinced of what they want to believe.
Then again, part of me is thinking of the line at the ending of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "But you know what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted?" "What?" "He lived happily ever after."
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 11:12 pm (UTC)Think, for instance, of the role placebo plays in medicine: We know the sugar pill is not "real" medicine, but nonetheless, a certain percentage of people will respond to it as if it were, with actual, measurable, verifiable improvements in their health. That doesn't mean their ills are all in their head; it means that there are things about the mind's interaction with the body that we simply don't understand yet.
I suspect the same could be said of what people call psychic energy. My equally skeptical self thinks most such claims are hooey, charlantanism or self-delusion. But I've seen just enough that aren't to be willing to accept that there could be genuine, verifiable phenomena at work that we simply don't understand yet.
Would it help if you dropped the word "magical" and thought of it as "unusually acute empathy"? That might appease your inner skeptic to the point where he'd let you consider the question.
And you know me, I'm all for "happily ever after." Or at least "happy more often than not. (-:
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 11:30 pm (UTC)"Yes, it's real, you need to keep your skepticism alive so you can sensibly explore the limits" and "no, it's just you, but that's okay, metaphors are nice ways to work with our brains"
I'm very strongly pushing towards "yes, it's real" at the moment, and I'm a little embarrassed that I'm not at all embarrassed by that... if you can parse what I mean.
I've had several experiences recently where "I'm sensing something, and learning to control it" was as good, or better, an explanation than "I'm getting control of anxieties and depressive tendencies".
Hell, if I *really* want to throw my skepticism a bone, I can admit that a hyperactive subconscious puzzling together insights and throwing them at my semi-conscious brain could look like "receiving impressions of energy", but I don't really feel I need to, and I feel quite confident I'm not about to go off the deep end.
So, maybe it's time for me to do some experimental wading, instead. :-)
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 11:47 pm (UTC)Then I'll just hang out over here with a towel. Holler if you need it. (-:
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 08:08 am (UTC)> situation that's causing me pain, based upon the pain
> that it is causing me, if it doesn't actually involve me?
I've been watching you jump into the middle of various conflicts for some years now, and I think you've generally done an excellent job. Your overall goal seems to be to reduce pain on all sides, and I see no reason to begrudge you the desire to salve your own brain.
(If you were in the habit of riding in, guns blazing, to serve your own sense of moral superiority, the feelings of others be damned, that would be a different story -- but I'm pretty familiar with your methods, and you're not in that habit. If your desire to jump into other folks' conflicts is a compulsion, you seem to also have a "first do no harm" compulsion that is usually even greater).
As to when it's "fair" -- anything in a public forum is fair game, AFAIC. Perhaps you're talking about stepping in when you see a couple having a public spat, and I'd judge that to be fair game too. If you get to the point where you're eavesdropping on a quiet, private conversation, and want to interject your thoughts ...at that point you'd have to ask the folks you were interrupting if they were glad you had, afterwards ...but if your tactics in RL are similar to your tactics online, their reaction might be favorable :>
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 10:52 pm (UTC)But I do like the way you put that... the "first, do no harm" is a good sign to have in front of me.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 11:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 10:53 pm (UTC)