An announcement...
May. 20th, 2018 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerA few years back, I learned that I was broken; damaged goods; and not worthwhile. I learned that every thought I have about friendship and love are outward bound - it's what *I* will do, not what I should trust in. I mean, sure, I have some good friends, but I'll never know *who*, not until it's too late. And when trust is catastrophically broken, after being given in every confidence, it's not something that just comes back. Of course, in retrospect, the thing was my fault - I was fully aware that I was damaged goods, and getting worse: more boring, less engaging, less happy to be around. I should have walked out at the sign things were going south, rather than believing I was fundamentally worthwhile, and that I shouldn't - this is a good joke! - DEPRIVE someone of my companionship if they want it. (My companionship!)
It was a really shitty time in my life because I couldn't talk about it. I had no one to talk about it to, except one person, and that, only because I so desperately needed a sanity check, to convince me that *I* hadn't gone crazy. In the medical sense, of course. In the real world, everyone knows I'm weird, and most even know I'm broken, so I don't worry about that.
Parts of that, of course, are perfectly legitimate. I am broken/damaged. I've got an emotional injury that makes it hard to be human, on top of the rest of the crap that chronic fatigue/depression/ADHD causes. My brain tells me I'm nothing but an economic actor - I make money, I spend money, and that makes the world a bit better, in a way. And my my mind and spirit tells me that I should make connections, that I should *be* more than that, while my brain snickers cynically.
It's fond of telling me I'm boring; I have too little time to be human; I'm wrong, because, hey, of course I am; I'm too much of a pest; and for the past six months, my body has been pretending to be getting better, while causing me more exhaustion, more days when I'm completely worthless and essentially stuck in bed.
Y'all, do what I say, not what I do: believe in your own meaning to the world. Yes, there are people who will hurt you; but you can walk away, and the hurt will fade in time. Yes, there are struggles in life, but always remember the adage "when you're going through hell, *keep going*." Because hell ends - or, if it doesn't, you'll never know if you don't continue, and sometimes, sometimes night really is darkest just before daybreak. Let hope, not despair, be your guide.
Love without fear. Give of yourself - no one else can give *you*, so you're the only one who can. Trust people, cautiously if you must, but remember the times when trust is kept, so you don't remember only the times it's broken. Cherish those who listen to you, care about you, and who want to know *you*. Go out there and live, as best as you can; it might be hard, but no one said it would be easy, and there's great joy to be found, if you can find it and have the capacity to feel it.
Be true to yourself - I don't say "be yourself" because your "self" likely isn't perfect, and may need to change, but realize that who and what you are isn't going to change. Channel the changes so they map to who and what you are, so you can be the best you can be. Some people are made to be gentle; if you're not made to be gentle, find another way to be kind. Some people are made to strong; if you're not made to be strong, find a way to be stalwart. Some people are made to be generous; if you're not made to be generous, be industrious[1] and fair. Almost everyone has strengths and flaws, and finding out how to use those things, to build a life one can be proud of, might well be the purpose of life.
[1] Bill Gawne once countered the notion that "greed is good," in the business sense, with the notion that what might be *good* is being industrious - working for the reward, rather than lusting for it.
It was a really shitty time in my life because I couldn't talk about it. I had no one to talk about it to, except one person, and that, only because I so desperately needed a sanity check, to convince me that *I* hadn't gone crazy. In the medical sense, of course. In the real world, everyone knows I'm weird, and most even know I'm broken, so I don't worry about that.
Parts of that, of course, are perfectly legitimate. I am broken/damaged. I've got an emotional injury that makes it hard to be human, on top of the rest of the crap that chronic fatigue/depression/ADHD causes. My brain tells me I'm nothing but an economic actor - I make money, I spend money, and that makes the world a bit better, in a way. And my my mind and spirit tells me that I should make connections, that I should *be* more than that, while my brain snickers cynically.
It's fond of telling me I'm boring; I have too little time to be human; I'm wrong, because, hey, of course I am; I'm too much of a pest; and for the past six months, my body has been pretending to be getting better, while causing me more exhaustion, more days when I'm completely worthless and essentially stuck in bed.
Y'all, do what I say, not what I do: believe in your own meaning to the world. Yes, there are people who will hurt you; but you can walk away, and the hurt will fade in time. Yes, there are struggles in life, but always remember the adage "when you're going through hell, *keep going*." Because hell ends - or, if it doesn't, you'll never know if you don't continue, and sometimes, sometimes night really is darkest just before daybreak. Let hope, not despair, be your guide.
Love without fear. Give of yourself - no one else can give *you*, so you're the only one who can. Trust people, cautiously if you must, but remember the times when trust is kept, so you don't remember only the times it's broken. Cherish those who listen to you, care about you, and who want to know *you*. Go out there and live, as best as you can; it might be hard, but no one said it would be easy, and there's great joy to be found, if you can find it and have the capacity to feel it.
Be true to yourself - I don't say "be yourself" because your "self" likely isn't perfect, and may need to change, but realize that who and what you are isn't going to change. Channel the changes so they map to who and what you are, so you can be the best you can be. Some people are made to be gentle; if you're not made to be gentle, find another way to be kind. Some people are made to strong; if you're not made to be strong, find a way to be stalwart. Some people are made to be generous; if you're not made to be generous, be industrious[1] and fair. Almost everyone has strengths and flaws, and finding out how to use those things, to build a life one can be proud of, might well be the purpose of life.
[1] Bill Gawne once countered the notion that "greed is good," in the business sense, with the notion that what might be *good* is being industrious - working for the reward, rather than lusting for it.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 01:12 am (UTC)Many of us are damaged, more or less seriously. Being damaged doesn't mean you aren't human, or deserving of decent treatment.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 03:40 am (UTC)Deserving is a wonderful word though... see, in a real sense, you only deserve the treatment people are willing to give to you. Forcing them to do otherwise is a violation of consent, after all. You're right, there's a moral sense, too. "You don't deserve X_Bad_Behavior from a a stranger, much less a lover/family member/friend/friendly acquaintance" is a good statement to make, but it doesn't help protect a person from being hurt, it mostly functions as a way not to be hurt *again*.
I don't think I deserve bad treatment; I just think it'll happen. I'm the weirdo, the odd one out. I have to suck up the hurts that people dole out because they won't see them, and you can't trust trying to explain it. The best you can hope for is "special snowflake" status, but they're more likely to decide I'm more trouble than I'm worth. And with my life, I have few enough friends; sometimes it's better to pretend they might care, if only they understood, than to risk finding out they wouldn't.
Sorry - I'm just in a really bad mood, really bad state of mind/body/spirit, and awfully whiny today.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 03:45 am (UTC)This started out as a "see, I already know this, so you don't have to *tell* me. *Again*," and it ended on a "yeah, but, don't think this way, it really isn't healthy.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 03:54 am (UTC)I'm sorry you're in a bad state of life, and everything is piling on top of you. I'll hope for it to pile less, sometime real frickin' soon now.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 03:49 am (UTC)You're a good, decent, human being. You know this, even though your brain tries to insist differently.
You're also smart enough to know that life has whatever meaning we ascribe to it, and that, in the end, that's all it ever had. It's as meaningless and as infinitely precious as that. Both, simultaneously.
Damaged goods? Name someone who isn't, looked at from one direction or another.
You've been a good friend to me, and you've helped me when I've needed it. I'm grateful. Please accept this loving boot to the arse in partial repayment, with my thanks.
PS: Careful, boyo: Too many statements like that tend to draw the attention of coyotes. I don't think you'd want him taking an interest.... *g.*
Be well and take care, eh?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 06:55 pm (UTC)It's an interesting thing, see? When someone I care about is hurting, I have to try to help, if I can. When I'm the one who is hurting, well, I'd better let it be my problem. Why? Because everyone, every time, will make it my problem? No - because the risk is too high, and the results too painful
Well, for those folks out there who want to tell me I'm broken, damaged, etc., there's a head start - oh, and they can't pretend to be "cruel to be kind" unless they can come up with something brand new, see. Maybe I could just make it a check-box list, hey, tell me I'm lousy for (check as many as you like).
It's not that it happens all the time, or ever day, but oh, dear lord, do I have proof that it *will* happen. I'd been contemplating making this post, however whiny, for several days - "hey, folks, just so you know, I realize I no longer have any real faith in words like 'friendship' or 'love,' and that's one of the injuries you might want to be aware of," until I had a very ironic situation convince me that it was time. A person tried to give me advice to "keep friends" which was like, "wow, do *you* have a lot to learn about me!"
I keep thinking about whether there's one thing about friendship, or love, that I still feel I can count on, that doesn't make me feel lost the moment I realize I *need* to depend on it. I don't think I've ever had a friend stiff me on a shared lunch, okay, but I don't think I've ever had an acquaintance do that either.
It doesn't mean I don't feel I have friends - it doesn't mean I am giving up on this whole "friendship" thing. But I'm awfully lost, awfully confused, and wondering if there's ever a time when I will ever have confidence that it matters that I'm hurt by someone who at least claims to give a damn about me. It seems to me that every time I've decided that I can engage in this part of "normal" friendship, it's blown up in my face. Maybe it's better that I keep people at sufficient arm's length - it's lonely and hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, but it's also relatively cheap insurance, sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-23 02:46 am (UTC)Oh, my dearly beloved one. I'm. Right. Here. Loving you. Giving a Great Big Damn.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-24 04:35 pm (UTC)You've given me no reason to doubt... but that experience means that the fear could still kick in. Someday, I might tell you a semi-secret about that... but not now, not yet.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 10:26 am (UTC)I add my voice here to say that you are a good man. Push those nasty shit thoughts aside and focus on that part of you that knows you are a good man.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-21 07:06 pm (UTC)What do I feel confident a friend will do? Demand to know my side of the story before judging my behavior? No. Stand by me when I'm hurting and need them? No. If they've hurt me, apologize and try to make amends? Hah! I have faith that they are owed the apology, according to the only judge that matters. If they *are* bothered by me, do I trust that they'll seek out a chance to put things right? No, I know damn well what happens *then*.
And you know what's really stupid (in the sense of self preservation *only*)? I know damn well that if you want to be a good friend or lover (think "agape" or "phila" more than "eros", though eros, too, of course) you *have* to have faith.
Faith, to me, is a term of art - it's acting as if you believe, acknowledging you don't know. So "faith" in the bond of love of friendship is needed to be a good friend or lover, which means it's trivially easy for me to end up feeling much like Wile E. as he realizes he's hundreds of feet off the ground.
And the thing is, it doesn't really matter. Giving up on people hurts me a heck of a lot more than other people, and I do value the friends I have (while I have them at least).