Definite good news....

[johnpalmer]

Okay. So, Friday night wiped me out. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were unpleasant. Well... Saturday and Sunday were occupied by TV marathons and computer gaming, which hardly counts as unpleasant. But I was aware that I was work resistant. Going out on Sunday morning to *go to the drug store* and pick up some vegetables at the store in the same plaza counted as a major victory.

So, the weekend was unpleasantly-symptom bound. And Monday was one of those days where I just had the hardest damn time making myself work.

Side note: do you know that learning you have chronic fatigue can be glorious in some ways? I hated days like Monday, I took extra Ritalin, I cussed at myself, I berated myself, and thought I was ten different kinds of worthless. But now I know that I'm fatigued. I've never been afraid of hard work that was necessary (ask people for stories of me helping out in moving parties) or when I was ready for it. But I couldn't square that with endlessly checking e-mail and websites when I'm at work and know damn well I need to do X or Y. And now I can.

I also realize that this is an important clue. If you know you *can* work hard when you need to, but you find yourself balking at work that you know should be relatively easy - that probably means something is wrong.

I don't mean if you think "just ten more minutes of my computer game - oh, now I can't do dishes, I have to get ready for work!" But if you look at the dishes and feel like crying - something's wrong.

(Time to make a joke about post-Thanksgiving dishes - but come on, you know what I mean!)

Anyway. Today was okay. Not, you know, *great*, but definitely okay. I got stuff done. It took longer than it should have, but it got done. And now I'm about to do just a tiny bit of busywork at home, because I'd rather not have to do it tomorrow, even though I feel reasonably confident that I could.

This is definitely good news because it shows that rest does restore me. Whatever I have, it's a reaction to stress to my body, and avoiding stressing my body helps me heal. I'm just surprisingly brittle, so it doesn't take a lot of stress to fatigue me.

So, maybe I'll never be able to do more than a relatively small quantity of walking - I won't be able to run or go on long bicycle rides or whatever. And yeah, that sucks if it ends up being the case. But you know, I know people who can't even walk a hundred yards; I'm not going to despair because I might be "only" able to walk a mile or two.

(I might grieve - it would well and truly suck ass-flavored rocks through a bendy-straw. But not despair.)

Comments

[ftemery.livejournal.com]

That sounds like something I could have written, except without a real diagnosis. Hang in there! It's all in the pacing I guess.