Ponderings about health/life

[johnpalmer]

So, I was out doing a gentle jog today, and I realized something.

It hurt.

I don't mean *pain* - I mean, the level of exertion was actively annoying. It wasn't so bad that I hated doing it, but oh my god was it a *chore*. I was glad when it was over. That kind of hurt.

(I sometimes use "hurt" for this kind of thing because people understand pain, but it's hard to say "I didn't like it and it made me cranky and irritable and I just hated it" and have people understand that it's not just a depressed or cranky moood. It's actually physical - or seems that way.)

That's my life, most of the time.

Now, right now, I'm a bit depressed. And, the stuff I'm doing that's helped stop the fatigue should only just now be stabilizing. And, my sacroiliac has finally released (I assume that's what was giving me so much sciatic grief - it feels like that's what it was) so now, if I bend my left knee while standing, it only hurts a bit and my leg doesn't feel like it's suddenly going to collapse on me. (It never does - it just hurts.) So, I've been in relatively constant pain. And, oh, yeah, I can't remember when I haven't been severely fatigued, where day to day living wasn't a similar effort to what I described above - not so painful that I couldn't do it, but OMG what a chore! So, I don't have much in the way of reserves.

So, jogging being a chore could be normal-ish. But I want to remind myself about it.

And, I'm marking the time. I've consciously decided not to go on antidepressants yet... but I'm definitely marking time until I have to say it's time to go back to them.

Comments

[ftemery.livejournal.com]

I was just venting about how when I do stuff that's 'good for me' eight other bad things ensue. I have fibromyalgia and a few other things that make it difficult to be 'normal'. Tired? Yeah I can relate, and my pacing myself is erratic but necessary, while my wife who is older than I am keeps going like an energizer bunny. And of course it all changes around again so you really have a lot of balancing to do - but you sound like you're still keeping at it and improving and I'm glad for you.