Possible cause for depression fits...

[johnpalmer]

I think part of what's been getting me down is that I'm going through a process of sorting out my illusions, my dreams, and my desires. Sometimes, I think it's when I realize I'm believing my own internal-hype that I hit depression, because I realize it's not true.

Tonight, I guess I kinda-sorta realized that, whatever I *am*, I'll only know when I cut away the things that I'm *not*... even if it hurts.

Some things are hurtful to cut at... somewhere between "no one could ever love me" and "most folks would love me if they *really* knew me" is a truer statement, but cutting away at the "most folks..." is painful.

I want to be loved. I want to think that most of the times I'm not, it's because of some stupid misunderstanding of what I am. Maybe that's true in some theoretical, "if we all met with our true destiny, which included filling our hearts with love..." sense, but not in the "real world" sense.

Other painful things... I'll never be the writer I once dreamed I might be; it was based in wishful thinking. (Anyone want to tell me I'm a decent writer? Keep in mind you don't know what "the writer I once dreamed I might be" is like.)

Other things are just weird to cut at. Whatever ideas I have, they've been had before, and I'm likely to, at best, present them in a new way that might help other folks pick up on them.

And I'm realizing the world would barely hiccup if I was hit by a meteor, and most of the hiccup would be because of the meteor, not my loss.

That's not to say that the world wouldn't miss me (nor that particular people wouldn't)... but that my place in the world isn't, won't be, and can't be, something big and deep.

I guess what's weird is, I've long known that a large part of being happy is not facing all of reality. The world can be a really shitty place, sometimes, and you have to be willing to not wallow in the shitty parts of it. You can't turn away from them, you can't ignore them, but you also can't let them crush you... because they will, if you let them.

And I know that sometimes you can't do something unless you dream about it, unless you dream *big*. Bill Gates wouldn't have built Microsoft if he hadn't thought he could create a tyrannical monopoly - er, unless he had big dreams and seized the possibility when it presented itself.

At the same time, there's a place for big dreams, and a place for acceptance of what *is* and what *will be*.

Sigh.

On the plus side, freshly made popcorn with plenty of butter goes nicely with a good Riesling and the latest episode of Heroes.