Depression lifting...

[johnpalmer]

So, I don't know how long it's been.

I haven't been able to focus any effort for any extended period of time in quite a while. Today, though, with some very minor ritual work, I think I'm getting better. I have a very pleasant, tired feeling that makes me feel as if I've turned the corner. Maybe the same kind of tiredness you can feel when a physical illness 'breaks'.

I've gotten serious on my studies for my CCNP again... that's "Cisco Certified Networking Professional". I understand networking, and all I need for my routing exam is a bit about BGP (Border Gateway Protocol, which is what the big boys (ISPs and huge networking systems) use to tell each other about routes), and routing redistribution (how one routing protocol talks to another). Okay, I've been studying already, but today, I really felt like I was getting into it again.

There's more. A while back, I decided I knew what I wanted to do with my life... it never made it here, did it? I don't want just my CCNP. I realized, and it was a very strange realization, that there's no reason I have to stop there. There's another certification... the CCIE, the closest thing to a "doctorate of computer networking" that's out there.

The CCIE is something that few people even bother to go for... but I realized that I can do it. More importantly, I realized that if I want to, I might not even need it, at least, not for myself.

Today, that idea became very close to real. I was reading about networking, and I was drawing graphs in my head, and collapsing subgraphs to single vertices, and... and, you might not even understand what I'm talking about. It's math stuff. Math stuff that I had an easy time understanding, and was pretty darn good at.

The key is, I think that this could be *MY* field... the one thing that I'm made to do, professionally speaking. It plays to almost all of my strengths, more so even than programming. (Really, it *IS* programming, but in a limited way, with much more deterministic results.)

That, more than anything else, makes me think that the depression is lifting. You'll have a better idea if that's true if there's another update here tomorrow.

Comments

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

It's quite an extraordinary feeling when you realize that you can do what you want to do and that you want to do what you can do. Lightbulbs go on, weights are lifted from shoulders, and things start to look okay again. I'm glad you're feeling better - it's good to see your font here again.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

This is so good. All of it.

I'm pulling for you, love.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Hey, John? I think I get it. The graphs and subgraphs and vertices bit.

But even more than that, I get the "hey, I know what I'm good at, what I'd be good at, what I can do!" feeling.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Today, that idea became very close to real. I was reading about networking, and I was drawing graphs in my head, and collapsing subgraphs to single vertices, and... and, you might not even understand what I'm talking about. It's math stuff. Math stuff that I had an easy time understanding, and was pretty darn good at.

The key is, I think that this could be *MY* field... the one thing that I'm made to do, professionally speaking. It plays to almost all of my strengths, more so even than programming. (Really, it *IS* programming, but in a limited way, with much more deterministic results.)

John, that's wonderful! I do, vaguely, understand what you're talking about in terms of the math. That is, I can picture in my head what you're doing, even if I couldn't do it myself.

And I'm thrilled that you feel as though this has clicked for you, and could be a positive change in your life, a focus.


That, more than anything else, makes me think that the depression is lifting. You'll have a better idea if that's true if there's another update here tomorrow.

Warm wishes, hugs, and good thoughts offered for your general well being.

[anisoptera.livejournal.com]

It was wonderful to find massage therapy as an advocation after years of wandering in the wilderness. I was 35 and now I love what I do. I am very busy with my private practice, teaching, and volunteering with my professional association, but I love all of it.

I wish the very same for you John. You can get there from here and you will.