A minor addendum...

[johnpalmer]

Okay... if nobody's done anything wrong, why would I be ending a marriage? No one's asked that, but I still feel almost like it should.

The key is that Chris can't do whatever it would require to make me feel loved and appreciated and an important part of her life. It's now almost two full years that I can point to this lack, but it was present before 1/1/2001, as well.

And, part of it could be me. It could be that I'm not creating the openings she'd need to do these kinds of things. It could be that she is doing some things that should make me feel loved or cared about, but that I'm just unable to see them.

But... the overall perception (and remember, "perception" implies that this is my own 'twist' on things, so this doesn't have to mirror reality) is that she doesn't care... that I could be anyone putting a roof over her head, food on the table, and providing money for expenses, and things would be exactly the same.

Frankly, I think she stopped loving me as a husband a long time ago, but has internalized the "one doesn't get divorced" meme from her family, so the concept that she doesn't love her husband isn't one she can deal with. But, I also know that there's no way to know that. The key here was that, at some point, I had to decide that it didn't matter if she *DID* love me, if I couldn't tell. And I couldn't, and can't. So, there we are.

Comments

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Yes... no fault is good on both sides, here. It's good not to have to blame her, *OR* me, for the way things have gone. I don't have any blame, but I do have a lot of mourning over what could have been.