A minor addendum...

[johnpalmer]

Okay... if nobody's done anything wrong, why would I be ending a marriage? No one's asked that, but I still feel almost like it should.

The key is that Chris can't do whatever it would require to make me feel loved and appreciated and an important part of her life. It's now almost two full years that I can point to this lack, but it was present before 1/1/2001, as well.

And, part of it could be me. It could be that I'm not creating the openings she'd need to do these kinds of things. It could be that she is doing some things that should make me feel loved or cared about, but that I'm just unable to see them.

But... the overall perception (and remember, "perception" implies that this is my own 'twist' on things, so this doesn't have to mirror reality) is that she doesn't care... that I could be anyone putting a roof over her head, food on the table, and providing money for expenses, and things would be exactly the same.

Frankly, I think she stopped loving me as a husband a long time ago, but has internalized the "one doesn't get divorced" meme from her family, so the concept that she doesn't love her husband isn't one she can deal with. But, I also know that there's no way to know that. The key here was that, at some point, I had to decide that it didn't matter if she *DID* love me, if I couldn't tell. And I couldn't, and can't. So, there we are.

Comments

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Okay, and thanks for the good wishes... I *DO* hope that I wasn't unclear in what I was saying about Chris (my wife). It's not that she's unappreciative, per se, and I sure as heck don't expect love and adoration for being the working member of the couple. Her illness really complicates the situation... she literally can't do a lot of things one might expect from a healthy person.

But, for all that I love her, and for all that I don't blame her for not showing her affection better, the fact of the matter is that it's hurting too badly to go on, without getting more affection (hugs, kisses, words, etc.. Sure, sex is great, but sexless love is better than loveless sex). Plus... well, I'm afraid I'm covering for her. She'll never have to learn to be responsible if I pay off the debts that she creates (by not calling doctors to give insurance information, etc..), keep her from needing to work, keeping the house from falling apart, etc..

[fractalmind.livejournal.com]

no i do understand where you are coming from. i am sorry to hear of her health problems but you are right - enabling her is the worst thing you could do for her. i know this must be tough for you.

my estranged hubby and i have a strange arrangement. we still share living space albeit not bedrooms and thanks to our schedules have little time together. we coparent and our daughter has the luxury of having two parents at home. this arrangement is quickly becoming less than ideal.

i also understand the craving affection - we finally agreed to start seeing other people before we both dried up emotionally from lack of affection. even a date with hand holding helps. take care of yourself and if you ever need to vent, feel free to chat anytime. it is hard meandering through divorce much less dealing with it without people to talk to.