I've had other entrees I've wanted to make...

[johnpalmer]

but, this one probably shouldn't be put off.

Today, I told my wife that we should probably start looking for other partners.

That, although there's no reason to get a divorce (because neither of us needs that freedom right away), I've seen no signs that things will get any better, ever.

There is no crime involved here. No one's done something evil to the other. But, she's been sick and unattentive for a large percentage of our five years of marriage. How much was sickness, and how much was just thoughtlessness? I don't know, but for her sake, I'll pretend it was 100% and 0% respectively.

I've told her I'm willing to talk. I've told her I'm willing to try to rebuild things if she has any ideas. And, I am.

I love her dearly. I'd sacrifice a lot if I knew it would make things better. I'd sacrifice a lot if I thought there was a large chance it would make things better.

But, at the age of 36, I'm already resenting the portion of my life I've given up to her, freely, and of my own will. (Can you guess that my mind supplies "she stole from me" to describe that time instead?) For all three of us - her, me, and whatever 'us' there could be, now was one of the last few times I could make this decision. Maybe I'll celebrate this the standard guy way, and spend the rest of tonight getting drunk.

Comments

[ziactrice.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. I put 13 years into the relationship I had to leave was forced out of by physical and emotional violence. The first four years were great. The next four years were okay. The last five years... it was bad. At least I've learned that you can't change another person, and if that other person changes in a bad way, there is little you can do to help if you're not allowed to do so.

I do wish I'd been willing (confident enough?) to let myself "fail" earlier, though.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thank you... and thank you especially for the perspective, because it helps me be sure I'm doing things right. That's been part of what's been holding me back, is a refusal to admit that I can't fix things, when I honestly can't. It's even possible that Chris couldn't fix things. Even if she started doing everything right (whatever that might mean), there are still some deep wounds that would have to heal.