I've had other entrees I've wanted to make...

[johnpalmer]

but, this one probably shouldn't be put off.

Today, I told my wife that we should probably start looking for other partners.

That, although there's no reason to get a divorce (because neither of us needs that freedom right away), I've seen no signs that things will get any better, ever.

There is no crime involved here. No one's done something evil to the other. But, she's been sick and unattentive for a large percentage of our five years of marriage. How much was sickness, and how much was just thoughtlessness? I don't know, but for her sake, I'll pretend it was 100% and 0% respectively.

I've told her I'm willing to talk. I've told her I'm willing to try to rebuild things if she has any ideas. And, I am.

I love her dearly. I'd sacrifice a lot if I knew it would make things better. I'd sacrifice a lot if I thought there was a large chance it would make things better.

But, at the age of 36, I'm already resenting the portion of my life I've given up to her, freely, and of my own will. (Can you guess that my mind supplies "she stole from me" to describe that time instead?) For all three of us - her, me, and whatever 'us' there could be, now was one of the last few times I could make this decision. Maybe I'll celebrate this the standard guy way, and spend the rest of tonight getting drunk.

Comments

[nsingman.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this, John, but glad that you phrased it the way you did. I'm pleased, though not at all surprised, that you state so clearly that these things can happen, and no one need be at "fault." My best wishes for all concerned.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your good wishes, and thanks also for helping me feel better. My big worry over this whole thing, and making it public, is the fear that I'll paint myself out to be the nobly suffering husband tormented by the evil uncaring wife.