I've had other entrees I've wanted to make...

[johnpalmer]

but, this one probably shouldn't be put off.

Today, I told my wife that we should probably start looking for other partners.

That, although there's no reason to get a divorce (because neither of us needs that freedom right away), I've seen no signs that things will get any better, ever.

There is no crime involved here. No one's done something evil to the other. But, she's been sick and unattentive for a large percentage of our five years of marriage. How much was sickness, and how much was just thoughtlessness? I don't know, but for her sake, I'll pretend it was 100% and 0% respectively.

I've told her I'm willing to talk. I've told her I'm willing to try to rebuild things if she has any ideas. And, I am.

I love her dearly. I'd sacrifice a lot if I knew it would make things better. I'd sacrifice a lot if I thought there was a large chance it would make things better.

But, at the age of 36, I'm already resenting the portion of my life I've given up to her, freely, and of my own will. (Can you guess that my mind supplies "she stole from me" to describe that time instead?) For all three of us - her, me, and whatever 'us' there could be, now was one of the last few times I could make this decision. Maybe I'll celebrate this the standard guy way, and spend the rest of tonight getting drunk.

Comments

[jilesa.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, John, I have tremendous respect for your integrity in communicating honestly with your wife about this. I can understand that it must be incredibly stressful and difficult, but it seems to me that you're handling it with as much kindness and integrity as is possible. *hugs offered* If there's anything I can do, my email box is always open.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thank you; I know you probably won't see this for a few days, which really makes me wish I'd gotten to this earlier, but it's very much appreciated. I still feel like an ogre from time to time, but I also think I'm coming to grips with the necessity of it, as well.