Mildly unhappy meanderings
May. 16th, 2002 12:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerToday I'm having a bit of anxiety. I started reading a thread in alt.callahans, and realized it was hopeless... nothing I said was going to work.
That's probably an illusion, but it also kept me from saying anything, and, in this case, I think that's best.
Yesterday I wanted to go to the Wet Spot; it was their game night, where people can bring board games and card games and so forth. But, I was tired and a little nervous, and I kinda sorta let time get away from me, until I felt it was really too late to bother going in.
(My nervousness was that I still can't approach a room full of people and know what to do. Sure, I probably could have brought in a game, and just shouted "hey, anyone up for a game of (x)?" but, then what? What if no one answered? And I was going to bring Chris along, so I was kinda-sorta responsible.)
Today with the anxiety, and yesterday with the tiredness, I've been having a "oh, what's the fucking POINT?" kind of day.
You know, why study programming? I've fallen off the 'studying' groove before, I'll do it again, I won't manage to keep up with it *THIS* time either. Why bother trying to meet people and learn social skills (like "small talk" and "introducing myself" and "assuming that there isn't anything that will make people run away screaming about me that everyone else can see, but I can't")?
I guess a lot of times, "two steps forward, one step back" really is the best you can do. But I wish I had a way of knowing that it really was two steps forward, and not two steps to the side and one step back.
I'm going to force myself to go bicycling. Exercise helps anxiety, for me. Plus, the sun will help me feel better.
(Side note: I think I might have figured out part of the problem with social skills. I think it's because of the depression and ADHD lethargy that made me feel like my brain was swimming in molasses... at times like that, having to deal with people was a terrible chore. I suppose that part of my fear of introducing myself is that it'll be the same chore for others, and that I need to make it 'worth their while", and I can't. Plus, ADHD-folks get used to making mistakes and feeling like they've stepped onto a landmine, and that everyone is angry that they stepped on that mine... not only are they hurt, but they have to apologize for doing something that hurt them more than the accusers can even understand. Maybe more on that later.)
That's probably an illusion, but it also kept me from saying anything, and, in this case, I think that's best.
Yesterday I wanted to go to the Wet Spot; it was their game night, where people can bring board games and card games and so forth. But, I was tired and a little nervous, and I kinda sorta let time get away from me, until I felt it was really too late to bother going in.
(My nervousness was that I still can't approach a room full of people and know what to do. Sure, I probably could have brought in a game, and just shouted "hey, anyone up for a game of (x)?" but, then what? What if no one answered? And I was going to bring Chris along, so I was kinda-sorta responsible.)
Today with the anxiety, and yesterday with the tiredness, I've been having a "oh, what's the fucking POINT?" kind of day.
You know, why study programming? I've fallen off the 'studying' groove before, I'll do it again, I won't manage to keep up with it *THIS* time either. Why bother trying to meet people and learn social skills (like "small talk" and "introducing myself" and "assuming that there isn't anything that will make people run away screaming about me that everyone else can see, but I can't")?
I guess a lot of times, "two steps forward, one step back" really is the best you can do. But I wish I had a way of knowing that it really was two steps forward, and not two steps to the side and one step back.
I'm going to force myself to go bicycling. Exercise helps anxiety, for me. Plus, the sun will help me feel better.
(Side note: I think I might have figured out part of the problem with social skills. I think it's because of the depression and ADHD lethargy that made me feel like my brain was swimming in molasses... at times like that, having to deal with people was a terrible chore. I suppose that part of my fear of introducing myself is that it'll be the same chore for others, and that I need to make it 'worth their while", and I can't. Plus, ADHD-folks get used to making mistakes and feeling like they've stepped onto a landmine, and that everyone is angry that they stepped on that mine... not only are they hurt, but they have to apologize for doing something that hurt them more than the accusers can even understand. Maybe more on that later.)
