Mildly unhappy meanderings

[johnpalmer]

Today I'm having a bit of anxiety. I started reading a thread in alt.callahans, and realized it was hopeless... nothing I said was going to work.

That's probably an illusion, but it also kept me from saying anything, and, in this case, I think that's best.

Yesterday I wanted to go to the Wet Spot; it was their game night, where people can bring board games and card games and so forth. But, I was tired and a little nervous, and I kinda sorta let time get away from me, until I felt it was really too late to bother going in.

(My nervousness was that I still can't approach a room full of people and know what to do. Sure, I probably could have brought in a game, and just shouted "hey, anyone up for a game of (x)?" but, then what? What if no one answered? And I was going to bring Chris along, so I was kinda-sorta responsible.)

Today with the anxiety, and yesterday with the tiredness, I've been having a "oh, what's the fucking POINT?" kind of day.

You know, why study programming? I've fallen off the 'studying' groove before, I'll do it again, I won't manage to keep up with it *THIS* time either. Why bother trying to meet people and learn social skills (like "small talk" and "introducing myself" and "assuming that there isn't anything that will make people run away screaming about me that everyone else can see, but I can't")?

I guess a lot of times, "two steps forward, one step back" really is the best you can do. But I wish I had a way of knowing that it really was two steps forward, and not two steps to the side and one step back.

I'm going to force myself to go bicycling. Exercise helps anxiety, for me. Plus, the sun will help me feel better.

(Side note: I think I might have figured out part of the problem with social skills. I think it's because of the depression and ADHD lethargy that made me feel like my brain was swimming in molasses... at times like that, having to deal with people was a terrible chore. I suppose that part of my fear of introducing myself is that it'll be the same chore for others, and that I need to make it 'worth their while", and I can't. Plus, ADHD-folks get used to making mistakes and feeling like they've stepped onto a landmine, and that everyone is angry that they stepped on that mine... not only are they hurt, but they have to apologize for doing something that hurt them more than the accusers can even understand. Maybe more on that later.)

Comments

Steps

[anisoptera.livejournal.com]

I guess a lot of times, "two steps forward, one step back" really is the best you can do. But I wish I had a way of knowing that it really was two steps forward, and not two steps to the side and one step back.

This is when you need trusted outside verification. Got someone who can help?

Anyway, that's what works for me.

hugs

Re: Steps

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Outside verification is good... and there was another thing that I needed to realize, also. Sometimes when you start thinking too much about where things are moving outside of you, you forget that *YOU* aren't moving, *THEY* are.

e.g., if another person draws away from me due to a misunderstanding or disagreement, if *I* am still willing to work on it, and express that willingness, and they walk, they're moving away, but I'm not moving back.

That doesn't tie in directly to my worries the entry, but it does tie in indirectly. One of the reasons I'm anxious is that I don't feel I have enough influence over how others perceive me... and it's easy to 'slippery slope' yourself into thinkink you have too little influence simply because you don't have control.

(Interestingly, this was solidified by a passage in the Diane Duane "Young Wizards" series... and if I wasn't afraid of butchering it, I'd quote it here.)

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Today I'm having a bit of anxiety. I started reading a thread in alt.callahans, and realized it was hopeless... nothing I said was going to work.

If it's the thread I think it is, you may be right (which never stops *me*, although maybe it should). OTOH, you've already contributed some real light (as opposed to mere heat) on the same general topic; perhaps this is a case where discretion really is the better part of valor.

As for the rest ... while I can't know what it feels like from the inside, I can tell you that, from the outside, your social skills look a lot better than you think they do.

And I've known you long enough that I think I can observe, even from an acknowledged pro-John bias, that those forward steps are real.

Beyond that ... well, just *hugs*. And I wish I hadn't been too tired to talk more last night, love.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well... the key with the social skills isn't that I'm afraid I have poor social skills in the sense of "I speak when I should listen, and listen when I should speak" or "I haven't learned not to pick my nose in public". It's more about "how do I insert myself into a group if I don't already have a well defined role?"

And (as I think we might have mentioned in a private communication about this) I think part of the problem might be that it's become too important to me. The fact that I want to find out how to mesh with a social group makes just "hanging out, waiting for an opportunity to find a place" seem like a bit of a failure, which makes me anxious to avoid failure, which makes it harder to do anything positive, which makes failure more likely... and the key is finding a way to break the chain.

One part of that will be to increase the opportunities for success, so any one "failure" (which isn't a failure, but only being human) isn't a big deal.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

>>(Side note: I think I might have figured out part of the problem with social skills. I think it's because of the depression and ADHD lethargy that made me feel like my brain was swimming in molasses... at times like that, having to deal with people was a terrible chore. I suppose that part of my fear of introducing myself is that it'll be the same chore for others, and that I need to make it 'worth their while", and I can't. Plus, ADHD-folks get used to making mistakes and feeling like they've stepped onto a landmine, and that everyone is angry that they stepped on that mine... not only are they hurt, but they have to apologize for doing something that hurt them more than the accusers can even understand. Maybe more on that later.)<<

(Sorry if that's too much quoted text, I'm too used to Usenet.)

Folks with ADD/ADHD and folks with depression also assume they've done wrong when they haven't. So all these landmines are, of course, mostly of our own making, and mostly of our own perception. As Jez says, /other/ people don't perceive them as nearly so bad as we do.

Then again, the main question for me is how to match my perceptions with other people's perceptions, which is... what you said. Ahem.

(I /totally/ understand the "oh, what's the fucking /point/?" kinds of days. Actually, I had one of those yesterday.)

(I'm a wanderer-in from someone's Friends list. Pardon my postage.)

[angilong.livejournal.com]

My nervousness was that I still can't approach a room full of people and know what to do.

I don't know what to do, either. But the more I fake it and make it up as I go along, and the more that seems to go okay, the better it is.

I've been to a few drop-in nights at the Spot now. Tips, from what I've found: it's okay if you just want to be around people and not interact much; bring a book and sit off to the side somewhere. If you do want to interact, the best place to sit is at the big table. People at smaller tables may sometimes have more private conversations going on, but people at the big table tend to sit there because they want to meet and chat with everyone. If you bring snacks to share (chips, cookies, whatever), offering those around can help break the ice. If you bring a game or something, you can pass it around and let people look at it. My Fluxx cards got passed around the table for a while before somebody finally suggested trying them out, last night.

Having any kind of interesting objects with you can help break the ice, too. Somebody put a wire dragonfly sculpture thing on the table last night, and that started a conversation. I think a lot of people are looking for something to talk about (you're not the only one), so everybody is glad to be given opportunities like that. Wet Spot events make a good topic of conversation there, too, of course, as long as they don't get too personal with questions. ("How long have you been a member? Which events do you like best? Are you going to the prom?")

Otherwise, just hang out, be yourself. Don't be afraid to introduce yourself and ask people's names. Or to just listen to the conversation around you, if you don't feel like talking.

(BTW, I know I owe you an email response. I don't mean to be ignoring you, I'm just behind in email.)

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Chuckle. You know, that's the advice I give everyone else, too... "almost everyone fakes confidence in social situations at first, and then, once they've faked it, and it works, they become more confident".

But, as with the overweight/smoking doctor, it's one of those "Oh, yes, that's what everyone else needs to do, but it won't work for me, for some reason". :-)

I think the tips will help, though... if nothing else, wandering over to the big table and giving my name will assure people that I'm not trying to be alone.

(Herm. Memories are leading to another journal entry... "friends only", probably. I was going to put them here, and then decided it belonged more in the main journal.)

But, before I go off to write that, thank you...I think you might have me on the right mental track right now.