"That guy problem".

[johnpalmer]

Okay...

There's this discussion on alt.callahans about what rape is, what "no means no" means, and so on. Perpetual ongoing discussion number three or four, I think... it's one of the early ones.

And I feel good. I think I've said things in a way that helps people understand things. I think I've spotted openings to explain things that niggled at me in these conversations before, but that I didn't find a way to say before. And I'm playing my game, of trying to find a way to illustrate ideas that I can see that seem important to me.

And I realized, in a sense, there's a metaphor here for the 'guy problem'. I feel good, doing what I'm doing. I think I'm *DOING* good.

At least one person seems pissed off at what I've said, so, clearly, there isn't universal acclaim that John Is Doing Good.

But I feel good doing it, my instincts tell me I'm not doing anything terribly wrong, and I *WANT* this to be okay, because, damn it, it does feel good to be using my brain to sort through emotions and experiences and ideas.

And that's where some of the problems with communication about rape crop up.

You can have guys thinking "it feels so good, it must not be right", and they can be blown away by fears that it *ISN'T*. You can get guys wanting it to be right, because it feels good. And all because it's based around something that's really, really nice.

This is probably how some grand feuds start in newsgroups, too... when someone posts something that they feel really good about, and then it gets attacked, by someone who feels really good about ripping it apart. And defensiveness and bluster and... wow.

Newsgroup postings, and sexual interactions, melding together in a really strange metaphor. Maybe this means I desperately need to get laid.

Well, I did get jogging, and it went well... 2 minutes fast, 3 slow, 3 medium quick, 3 slow, 2 slow, and two 'as fast as wasn't uncomfortable', with a minute of rest between each.

Unfortunately, Skitty is still missing. (Skitty, one of my cats, got out of the apartment and hasn't been seen for two days now.)

Things with Chris are going some better... it's an interesting task, trying to be fair emotionally. I don't want to think "Well, this is probably a temporary change", but at the same time, it might be, and I need to be fair to myself if it is.

Sigh. Isnt' it always easier in black and white?

Comments

[kightp.livejournal.com]

This iteration of the Age-Old Conversation in a.c is an unusually civil one, I think, and your ability to illustrate and illuminate these things (one of my favorite "John traits") has proven useful to me, at least. I think (hope) most of those involved have learned a few things about two of my favorite topics, communication and sexuality. I know I have.

The pissed-offness - well, this is a subject where people on both sides bring a lot f baggage to the discussion, and that's probably to be expected. In this particular instance, it looks like a case of someone hearing sie expects to hear, rather than what's said. A reminder that the burden of genuine communication falls equally on the one who's talking and the one who's listening.

Glad to hear you're jogging. I think it really does help.

As for that other need ... *smile* ... let's talk.

am I quietly losing it here?

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

I could have sworn that there was a longer post here, involving a hypothetical man: I came back in to reread, and there it was gone.

Is my imagination working overtime, or am I misascribing what I read?

Re: am I quietly losing it here?

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

You're not going crazy; in a fit of stress, I decided I didn't want it 'out there' and deleted it. Part of the problem is that the conversation in alt.callahans got a bit funny (I can't really describe it any other way), and I didn't feel like I was getting an important point across, and that if I kept trying, I was going to either attack, or be attacked.

I don't think there was really a good reason to delete it, but it was one of those things that seemed like a *REALLY* good idea at the time.

that makes sense

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

and thank you. FWIW, I understood what you were saying, but it seemed that there were some people who either didn't or couldn't. And given that you chose to withdraw the original entry, perhaps you'd like to edit out the comments as well? It wouldn't upset me at all if you went that route.

And I hope that the stress is lessening, or at least that you are finding ways to cope with it.

small tentative hug offered