(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2002 07:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerSo, today, when I went out jogging, I asked myself how far I could jog. I'd been doing one to four minutes of fast or slow jogging, with a minute of rest between each. I wanted to know how long I could run if I went easy on myself and just jogged slowly as long as I wasn't dying.
I made 17 minutes... I kind of set that as a goal, and I would have quit after 15 if I hadn't. The last hundred seconds weren't quite agony, but they were the completely there. Maybe you know how it goes: "come on, just 79 more seconds, don't think of the time, okay only 77 more seconds STOP THINKING ABOUT okay, 75 more...."
Not quite that bad... but only because I refused to look at my watch.
(Oh, yeah... math guy here... I do conversions to seconds and hundreds of seconds to give me a way of thinking about it as a percentage. It works as well as anything else.)
Other new: I discovered that love is not an omnipotent mood elevator. I had a day of depression, probably caused by too much boredom and a little bit of tiredness. My newlove and I seem to be pretty disgustingly happy together, and it's wonderful... but she was out of contact for a few days when I was tired, and, I dunno... it was like my brain said "it can't be this good, you know. Something is going to go terribly wrong now!"
The thing is, nothing can go terribly wrong. There are things that can go 'wrong' in a sense. We could break off the romantic/sexual part of the relationship... but that, while it could be 'wrong', isn't "terribly wrong".
Still...
(LJ Cut line for talk about alternative sexuality)
Most of you know that I'm 'into' BDSM to some degree. Well, the relationship is taking on aspects of this. I'm mostly-topping (about 95% right now), though that may become switching (in the top/bottom sense of the word, not in the 'bared bottom' sense of the word) in the future.
And I guess I'm still nervous about it. I guess the thing is, I want to do it right... but I've never done it before. And, it's really stupid to feel that way, I suppose, but still, there are feelings.
For those of you who don't know and are interested (and anyone else reading this anyway), ginger root can be a very intense, but transitory, stimulator of mucous membranes. Translation: it burns a lot, but stops very quickly after you remove it. The burning may be pleasant, or un-, based upon your preferences.
We did some play with ginger root, by surprise and opportunity, because she ended up in unplanned possession of some. And, I had this sudden nostalgic sort of feeling. Never again would she be able to be caught by the same type of surprise and nervousness and awkwardness. ("Awkwardness" is good in certain BDSM contexts... it's more of the 'out of control' stuff that can be exciting to some of us.)
I guess this is not too different from "this is the only first time we'll have sex" or "this is the only first time we'll ever have sex like this", and you know, people have sex over and over again, and it doesn't seem to ruin their relationship.
But I guess the key part of this is that BDSM is about emotional play as well, and emotions change with time. The first time a shy person disrobes in front of a lover, it might be an intense experience for either or both... but after a time, that person will probably no longer be shy about disrobing (at least not in front of that one particular lover - and I did say "probably", I'm sure some folks never really get over it). And I'm nervous about being able to keep to that emotional play level when things change.
Herm. Let me emphasize that this is akin to another worry that I have: that I'll have a heart attack someday, and have to start a new fitness program, and have a hard time getting anywhere, because I can't work too hard (heart attack, remember!), but I hate working too slowly. It hasn't happened, and for all I know, when the challenge comes, I'll rise to it like a champion born
But, when you get right down to it, I'd really like to have all of the answers handed to me, long before I'll ever need them... and have my success pre-assured. People say that would be boring, and they may be right, but there are a lot of times when I *REALLY* like boring.
I made 17 minutes... I kind of set that as a goal, and I would have quit after 15 if I hadn't. The last hundred seconds weren't quite agony, but they were the completely there. Maybe you know how it goes: "come on, just 79 more seconds, don't think of the time, okay only 77 more seconds STOP THINKING ABOUT okay, 75 more...."
Not quite that bad... but only because I refused to look at my watch.
(Oh, yeah... math guy here... I do conversions to seconds and hundreds of seconds to give me a way of thinking about it as a percentage. It works as well as anything else.)
Other new: I discovered that love is not an omnipotent mood elevator. I had a day of depression, probably caused by too much boredom and a little bit of tiredness. My newlove and I seem to be pretty disgustingly happy together, and it's wonderful... but she was out of contact for a few days when I was tired, and, I dunno... it was like my brain said "it can't be this good, you know. Something is going to go terribly wrong now!"
The thing is, nothing can go terribly wrong. There are things that can go 'wrong' in a sense. We could break off the romantic/sexual part of the relationship... but that, while it could be 'wrong', isn't "terribly wrong".
Still...
(LJ Cut line for talk about alternative sexuality)
Most of you know that I'm 'into' BDSM to some degree. Well, the relationship is taking on aspects of this. I'm mostly-topping (about 95% right now), though that may become switching (in the top/bottom sense of the word, not in the 'bared bottom' sense of the word) in the future.
And I guess I'm still nervous about it. I guess the thing is, I want to do it right... but I've never done it before. And, it's really stupid to feel that way, I suppose, but still, there are feelings.
For those of you who don't know and are interested (and anyone else reading this anyway), ginger root can be a very intense, but transitory, stimulator of mucous membranes. Translation: it burns a lot, but stops very quickly after you remove it. The burning may be pleasant, or un-, based upon your preferences.
We did some play with ginger root, by surprise and opportunity, because she ended up in unplanned possession of some. And, I had this sudden nostalgic sort of feeling. Never again would she be able to be caught by the same type of surprise and nervousness and awkwardness. ("Awkwardness" is good in certain BDSM contexts... it's more of the 'out of control' stuff that can be exciting to some of us.)
I guess this is not too different from "this is the only first time we'll have sex" or "this is the only first time we'll ever have sex like this", and you know, people have sex over and over again, and it doesn't seem to ruin their relationship.
But I guess the key part of this is that BDSM is about emotional play as well, and emotions change with time. The first time a shy person disrobes in front of a lover, it might be an intense experience for either or both... but after a time, that person will probably no longer be shy about disrobing (at least not in front of that one particular lover - and I did say "probably", I'm sure some folks never really get over it). And I'm nervous about being able to keep to that emotional play level when things change.
Herm. Let me emphasize that this is akin to another worry that I have: that I'll have a heart attack someday, and have to start a new fitness program, and have a hard time getting anywhere, because I can't work too hard (heart attack, remember!), but I hate working too slowly. It hasn't happened, and for all I know, when the challenge comes, I'll rise to it like a champion born
But, when you get right down to it, I'd really like to have all of the answers handed to me, long before I'll ever need them... and have my success pre-assured. People say that would be boring, and they may be right, but there are a lot of times when I *REALLY* like boring.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Not really a non sequitur
Date: 2002-03-31 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-01 10:39 pm (UTC)I'm not sure I'd want to know All the answers, but wouldn't it be *nice* to know where to *find* them all?
*HUG*
Gesi, who finds an answer, every now and then, just laying about.:)