(no subject)

[johnpalmer]

So, in the middle of the night, I'm woken up by a cat hissing a loud battle cry, leap out of bed, and damn, I was right... it was squid. As the squid pieces had reconstituted themselves and crawled out of the garbage disposal, the cats had heard the noise, thought it was something they could play with (and maybe break) and decided to attack.

Thankfully, we have the right to keep and bear arms in this country, so I had my legal and unregistered LAW rocket and flamethrower at the ready. The nice thing is that I could use the backwash from the rocket to light a few candles so I'd have light to see by before I started with the flamethrower.

Unfortunately, the rocket missed, and it'll be months while I get whole wheat flour out of every nook and cranny in my home. Do you know what an anti-tank rocket will do to a bag of flour?

I guess I should be happy that I missed; sponging squid off of the walls isn't a lot of fun.

The flamethrower was a bust, unfortunately. Apparently, one of my neighbors posts on Usenet, and drained the sucker when I wasn't looking. I'm not sure it would work; the squid had already been wokked, and a flamethrower might not have seemed all that bad in comparison.

Well, I instructed the cats to flush it out of the kitchen, and they did so, and they got it out into the living room. When its tentacles were focused on the cats (and determining that my exercise bike wasn't edible), I rushed it and smashed it out the porch door, into the front yard. I knew I'd need room.

I was right. In fact, I was right about more than one thing.

The chicken *was* hiding a grenade launcher from me. A fully automatic grenade launcher.

I think we have an uneasy truce at the moment. "Okay, I won't lay any more ambushes with the grenade launcher, and you don't throw any giant sea monsters at me, okay?" It's hard to say. I'm trying to read the note that got shoved under my door, but the handwriting is terrible... chicken scratches, you know?

I don't know if my body is fully recovered yet, but my brain seems to be. Time for me to get to work.

Comments

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

You got lucky, dude. A rocket launcher would normally cause a bag of flour to explode in a fireball.

I'm glad you and the chicken have reached detente.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well, I keep my flour tightly packed to reduce the explosion hazard, and there wasn't much in the bag, anyway. It may have exploded, though; I wasn't looking directly at the blast to avoid shrapnel.

[blackthornglade.livejournal.com]

The chicken's recruiting now????

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

No, I'm pretty sure that it was no friend of the squid. They went at it tentacle and claw (and grenade). It was just an ordinary ambush, a chicken with a wingmounted fully automatic grenade launcher, expecting to dust me the next time I went out on my porch, surprised by a giant squid being thrown through the door instead.

I suppose that the chicken should have picked a more ordinary person to hunt down. Then again, wouldn't a person being stalked by a secret-ops trained chicken become un-ordinary, by definition?

[tigermorph.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're a sucker for seafood.

*g,d,r*

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Technically, I suppose, seafood has a sucker for me.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

You know, I had a feeling it was the chickens coming back to, er, roost.

Brave cats, to face down such formidable foes.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

You don't think that the chicken was actually waiting for me to be attacked by a giant squid, do you? I mean, I assumed it was an ambush, but if the chicken was waiting for something like that to happen it could be risky.

Herm. Even if that's the way it is, I can handle it; I'll just have to keep in mind that there's an extra enemy running around, and make sure that whatever is causing me problems is also able to cause problems for any small fowl running around (with or without heavy weapons).

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Sounds like time to bring in the secret weapons: Culinary Skillz!

I've got a *great* recipe for fried squid.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Um. Unless it really was sea cucumber, not squid. In which case all bets are off. The only chance you have against sea cucumber is to outrun it. Fortunately, this is not hard.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

mmmmmmm.

and there's also the Sekrit Weapon - wonder how smoked squid would taste?

--g, I can just see that whole wheat flour explosion

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

Dude.. I've said before, the only way to deal with rampant nature is napalm.

Or a microwaved jam poptart... the two are sufficently similar.

[lblanchard.livejournal.com]

You lead an interesting internal life.

Man, I miss you.

[wyang.livejournal.com]

Y'know, John... I haven't had more fun reading in a long time (I realize you're sick and tired, but I was distracted from that by your words). I only want to remind you that, as I recall, all cephlapods are servants of Cthulhu. Are you sure this is over?