Home and extremely tired, still...

[johnpalmer]

People have undoubtedly been seeing me pop into livejournal mode a little bit, and so they probably know that I'm home safe and sound, and have been since Sunday. However, I'm busy (except Monday, when I was "busy" resting), and drained, and more-than-a-little-depressed feeling.

I'm fighting the depression, successfully, but I think I drained my batteries quite thoroughly, and they're recharging slowly.

Good news: I gave the eulogy at the funeral. Bad news: Well, I'll go into later, or maybe not. It involves a lot of things, up to and including seeing my brother's remains boxed and shrink wrapped like they were going to fucking mail him to heaven or something. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh; I decided I have to try to laugh at it a little, but god damn it, *NO ONE PRAYS IN FRONT OF A BOX OF MY ASHES*, dig? You want a ceremony, do it while my body is still a body. If you gotta put me in a box, and *have* to hold a ceremony, fine, but cover it with a pretty cloth, and put a picture of me in front of it. Yes, this upsets me all out of proportion to the offense. Yes, I should be able to deal better. *BUT*... I'm saying it to you folks, not to the people who came up with that method of presentation. So, see, it counts as blowing off steam, not as angry, accusatory stuff.)

There's a funny thing about this grieving thing... people understand that you can't do certain things, but time passes, and things happen, and it hurts when you decide you don't have the energy to do things you'd like to do. I saw a friend of some friends lost the battle with darkness, for example, and wanted to say something, but, damn it, there was nothing to say. But I saw, I cared, and I grieved some along side them.

Hopefully, today I'm going to respond to the comments left in my livejournal... and I'm going to fight my guilt over doing it in one large block, and being repetitive.

I'd like to respond to everyone individually, and tell them all how each comment made me feel cared about, how each was a bit of comfort, and something to hold on to. But, I'm tired, and drained, and I don't have the time to make each one the gift it was to me... so I'll have to do the best I can afford to, right now, and accept that doing one's best is doing enough.

Comments

[lblanchard.livejournal.com]

I remember after my father died having the most awful time doing the simplest household tasks. Cooking a meal was a herculean undertaking.

Don't strain yourself responding to everyone right now. It's too hard.

[ztrooper.livejournal.com]

I don't get the who cremation thing, myself. Not that I Have the slightest idea what to do with a body, but cooking it down to ashes doesn't seem right to me...even if it's not where the spirit of the person is any more.

As for not feeling up to things.... yeah.. it happens... eventually though, it won't be so tough to do them. There is no time table for the recovery of those things, however, although you can be cornered and forced into it.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*quiet hugs*

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

John, quiet, gentle hugs offered. I have a suggestion. Set aside 20 minutes to reply to my e-mail, wave in the general dierction of east, and then spend that 20 minutes doing something that makes **YOU** feel better. If that means contemplating you navel, go for it.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I think I understand, and I sympathize, and I wish you well, and remind you that you have my friendship and affection, and don't have to do anything to keep it.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

*holding you in my heart*

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That.

*hugs*

[kshandra]

You want a ceremony, do it while my body is still a body. If you gotta put me in a box, and *have* to hold a ceremony, fine, but cover it with a pretty cloth, and put a picture of me in front of it.

Someone I worked with told me about one funeral he went to where the deceased was simply lying on a bier, covered with a sheet to his neck - and the deceased was a badly-wasted PWA, so this was SO not attractive. I think a shrink-wrapped Box O' BoneBits^tm would've squicked me almost as badly. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

[edschweppe.livejournal.com]

I know those feelings. Take care of yourself. *hug*

I'll have to do the best I can afford to, right now, and accept that doing one's best is doing enough.
Yes. It's hard to accept, but it's the truth. (And accepting it doesn't make you feel better; it just keeps you from feeling worse. Or at least that's how things are working for me.)

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

*nod* Exactly what they said.

Love you.

Gessi

[shipofools999.livejournal.com]

Yes, this upsets me all out of proportion to the offense. Yes, I should be able to deal better.

This comment disturbs me. How you feel is how you feel, no matter what the proportion of the offense. When there is a difference in magnitude between your feelings and what causes them, a lot of times it means that something is tying into other things and you are reacting to both. Or you are really sensitive in that particular area. Looking at the difference between the magnitude of your feelings and what causes them might help you understand your feelings and where they are coming from but your feelings should not be judged by that difference.

I understand how the "shoulds" can be used to prod yourself into doing things that you want to have done (i.e. I should reply to comments, I should be dealing better, etc.) but I want to honor the fact that you are feeling what you are feeling and that is perfectly ok. I think you are handling it very well with your venting instead of taking it those that set up the circumstances. I just want to say not to beat yourself up for the intensity of your feelings.

I think the reason this disturbed me so much is because I am learning to accept and deal with my large overreactions to things. Small event=Big reactions. While I have been lurking on your LJ, I get the idea that you seem to be on a similar journey to what I am doing with the pagan exploration and dealing with the childhood teasing. We even have the same last name.

Know that there is someone out there that understands and cares even though she doesn't really know you. This comment is a gift and has no need for a reply. I wish you peace in dealing with all that you have to deal with.

Boxed and shrink wrapped

[cerval.livejournal.com]

(I'm playing LJ catch-up too)

There's nothing out of proportion about it. Allow me to empathize. And add a really stupid funeral home employee...

The day after my father's funeral, this idiot walks into my grandmother's house, sets the cardboard box full of dust on the dining room table, and says, cheerily, "Bill's home!" I was off the couch and lunging across the room so fast that my uncle, who had been sitting next to me, caught me by the ankle, and had to tackle me, and sit on me, while the idiot ran for her car.

Sure, I was notably less sane then than I am now... But I am so with you on the box thing.