Feeling somewhat better...

[johnpalmer]

I was doing some dating stuff on Saturday, and I was at about 50% today - but for me, 50% is pretty damn awesome, found some hideous latch contention in some poor guy's server, and he wanted to know why parallelism was making the problem worse - well, the latches he sees are all about parallelism. So, I probably get to knock this out of the park tomorrow.

I'm getting to the point where I can see when I'll get some good days, and next to being able to avoid the bad days, that's about the best I can do.

And in other news, my eternal hip problems feel more and more like they're resolving, slowly, as muscles that have been too-tight for 20 years are wont to do. Actually, resolving-slowly isn't want too-tight muscles are wont to do - I should recognize that I'm damn lucky I haven't ripped up my cartilage or twisted any bones or anything. But - it is resolving slowly, and while it's painfully slow (in both senses of the word) that's normal and expected.

And I'm trying on something.

If I had a bad breakup, I'm kind of allowed to be upset about... well, about X, and Y, even if, technically speaking, I have no right to expect not-X and not-Y.

I mean, you can't control anyone else. You can't say "You should have..." and expect it to mean anything, unless the other person chooses to give it meaning. (Or unless the other person has some reason that they can't help but give it meaning. But that's another issue.)

"You should have handled Z differently" is a meaningless complaint in some ways. It's in the past, it can't be undone, there's no point to trying to fix it even if it could be fixed.

But I'm still allowed to be angry that Z was handled the way it was. So what if it's a meaningless complaint? It is by god *my* complaint and I can be upset about it if that makes me happy! The only thing I have to answer for is, do I want to be the person who is angry about this? And the answer is, "yes... for a while. Not like holding a grudge, but accepting that it coulda and shoulda and outta been different.")

Comments

Well...

[ysabetwordsmith]

I think people do have a right to certain expectations in a relationship. Among these are:

* There will be disagreements, but all parties will fight fair. Problems will be addressed openly and people will make an honest attempt to resolve them.

* People will treat each other decently.

* People will abide by any specific agreements made as part of the relationship (frex, who does which chores, or which types of activity do or don't constitute cheating).

Many relationships lack these features, but that's not what I call healthy.

If Z was an outside problem and you are just displeased with the handling, you have a right to discuss that and try to figure out a better way in case it comes up again.

If Z was an internal problem, especially if it violated any of the above or other reasonable expectations within a relationship, that's more serious and really needs to be addressed -- not just the problem itself and future fixes, but the tangle of feelings caused.

Re: Well...

[johnpalmer]

None of what you say is unreasonable, but there's a philosophical point I make to myself (and it's partly due to my own baggage). That point is that the basis of a relationship is the relationship. If someone chooses to break some rule of relationships, well, you can discuss it, you and see if you can work things out, etc., but in the end, the one power you have is the power to modify your part of the relationship (which includes ending it).

And because I'm one of "those" people who don't have a lot of friends, and value the ones I have (possibly too much) I need reminding that, okay, *I* might sacrifice my emotional comfort (temporarily) to help a friend, I can't call out that same person for not doing the same thing for me. I can do some other things (explain that I'm disappointed that they didn't return the favor, for example), but in the end, it comes down to "did that person want to do that? If not, there's no 'right' to demand it."

In this case, the Z was an inside problem, and there's no point to discussing it because it ain't gonna happen again - it's over and done with, and there's just not enough trust in me to let myself become that vulnerable again with that person.

Heh. But you're right, it does have a tangle of feelings to be dealt with. And of course, I yearn for my "get out of being human, free" card at times like this. Alas, the card doesn't exist, and if it did, a shamanic weirdo shouldn't use it anyway, but it's a lovely sort of "yeah, but what it... and what if it didn't actually *dehumanize* you, by definition?"

Re: Well...

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> the one power you have is the power to modify your part of the relationship (which includes ending it). <<

That's fair; everyone has personal rules.

>> And because I'm one of "those" people who don't have a lot of friends, and value the ones I have (possibly too much) I need reminding that, okay, *I* might sacrifice my emotional comfort (temporarily) to help a friend, I can't call out that same person for not doing the same thing for me. <<

A key reason why I don't have many friends is that I'm uncomfortable in unbalanced relationships. If we're not putting in approximately equal effort, I wind up feeling like I'm taking advantage of them or else that they don't really care about me. Most people leave the moment I ask anything of them -- including something as basic as "please show up on time" -- no matter how much I've done for them. It's frustrating.

You have to go with the relationship rules that work for YOU.

>> there's just not enough trust in me to let myself become that vulnerable again with that person. <<

Sad, but sensible.

>> And of course, I yearn for my "get out of being human, free" card at times like this. <<

I have done things like this with friends, because I am not fully human and faking it is a chore that I don't always have energy for. Not having to do that can be extremely useful. Conversely, I know other folks who are different flavors of other-than-human, for whom the same is true, and there are times when I'll extend them the same courtesy. If you're a wolf inside, I speak wolf; you don't have to pretend to be a primate with me. I can deal.

Re: Well...

[johnpalmer]

Hm. Re: "personal rules" - I guess you could call it that, but I view it as a kind of an inherent limit.

You can say something is right or fair - and you might even be correct, in the viewpoint of many - and the other person might accept that it's fair and right too... and still choose not to do what you want. And what can you do? You can't call the relationship police, or go to the relationship courts and ask for a writ of JustDoItAlready. (Maybe I should say UstDoItAlreadyJay to make it sound all Latin-y.) Do you have to accept this? Well, no... you could end the relationship. Or you could modify how you feel about the relationship ("this is now one of my casual friends, not one of my most trusted friends") But there's no power to force the other person to do it.

That doesn't mean all negotiation has to be based upon the relationship, of course. It just means that, when things have reached a breaking point, it's all about how to make the relationship work, or decide that it can't/won't (at least, without modification).


Re: unbalanced: yeah, I can see that being a problem. I sympathize a bit - that's one of my great fears due to fatigue, I can't "hold up my end". (And one of the dangers is that I can overcompensate in other ways.)

I'm intrigued by the idea of equal effort - I've noticed that some relationships become unhealthy because of unbalanced desires. And of course, as one of those under-friended people, I'm all too often on the side of "needing more and therefore willing to do too much, if I can".

Re: "Get out of being human" - hee! (not a mocking laugh - unless it's me I'm mocking!)

No, not where I was going. No, it's like, I'm feeling pained, angry, passive aggressive, petty, irrational ("How dare you say we can't have sex any more just because you don't want to have sex with me any more and I would never have sex without full, willing consent, which means I don't want to have sex with you because you don't want to - HOW DARE YOU SO SOMETHING PERFECTLY RATIONAL THAT ISN'T IN ACCORDANCE WITH MY DESIRES!")

And I know that's normal. I know it's how brains and minds and spirits and bodies process these things. It's normal; it's human. And it's like, "Okay, universe, I already know this, I learned this fucking lesson, no need to make me do the homework assignment again! Come on, don't I get to skip this? I'm in AP living-life, why make me do page after page of this crap?"

I do appreciate the offer; I don't think it's what I need, but I recognize it coming from a good and wonderful place, and it's meaningful. But my path is, I'm a shaman - the kind who lives too much in the spirit and needs to learn more about what it means to be human, and this is probably good for me, forced being-human.

Then again - maybe I'll take your advice and do some shapeshifting work. Gotta live a human life, but there's nothing wrong with a brief vacation.

[bkwrrm-tx.livejournal.com]

Breakups suck, no matter what. I'm convinced that you should be allowed a certain amount of time to be mad about it, whether it makes sense or not, because you're dealing with stuff in your own head and sometimes that's what it takes. But maybe I've just been broken up with too many times. ::shrug::

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

Oh spit. Yes, you're allowed to feel what you feel.

Just because you want to be a good person and not badmouth an ex (a decision I applaud), it doesn't mean that it doesn't FUCKING HURT. You bloody well are allowed to feel upset no matter how you choose to behave. Feelings do not require behavior, and wanting to choose benevolent behaviors doesn't mean you're not in pain.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I think you're right - it's one of the stages of grief, and it's pretty darn normal to be angry. It's just not one of those easy things to handle, especially not with people I love.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thank you - that's actually a good way of looking at it. I get the whole "you can be angry, but that's not an excuse for bad behavior" but this kind of turns it around. And yeah, being angry is part of being human, even if/when (maybe especially when) it's uncomfortable. So, thank you, again.