Had an interesting discussion this weekend...

[johnpalmer]

The discussion was about how I was very different from someone. And it struck home because there's a big piece of the question. How different *am* I in these important ways?

What's *me*, and what's my illness?


Fatigue of the type I have is one of the craziest things in the world.

I remember more than a few holidays when I was sitting down to a fine meal. I knew the meal was good, I knew it was stuff I liked, and I know the person who'd cooked it had put a lot of effort into it. I also knew my brain was locked behind a wall of fog that made it impossible for me to show my appreciation the way that the meal merited it.

Now, if I was a parent, you might say "well, I know if your child is handing you this ugly mess of crayon scribbles and proudly saying 'I made this for YOU daddy!' and you have to fake the emotional response. This is similar."

Right. Got it. Check. But I'm throwing that pitch from the bottom of a well, you see. Makes it really hard to aim.

This is one of the key images I can think of when trying to explain this. Imagine feeling that way, not all the time, but a lot of the time - the majority, maybe. Imagine knowing you can't give more. Imagine knowing it's not enough - but what can you do? You can't fake it past a point; that will make it look sarcastic.

That's why a lot of social situations make me nervous - I mean, there's some shyness, and some lack of practice, but the biggest thing is the fear - quite rational - that I'll be in this state in the social situation, and simply not be able to react properly. I've learned not to be hideous - but I've also learned to keep myself in a corner alone because it's just so tiring to keep up the interaction.

What *am* I when I'm not fatigued? Am I an introvert (who can be charming and friendly when not fatigued)? Or am I actually a bit extroverted? (Extremely extroverted doesn't seem likely - but who knows?)

I sometimes see people who talk about challenges as "opportunities" and put them in terms of wondrous adventures, and there are times I kind of understand that. But this strikes me as being an "adventure" in the sense that a 30 mile hike is an adventure. It's bragging rights, but it's a very strange person who can go through 30 miles of walking and think anything other than "geez(or some equivalent), what a *pain*."

Comments

[pernishus.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you, -- and of this kind of difficulty in general... I am sometimes afficted with analogous difficulties.

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

Yes. Too many days of "being in the bottom of the well"...and I *do* fall on the extrovert side of the spectrum and being so tired (and in pain, too) often means that part doesn't get fed the way I need it to be fed. And if I feed it, I spend 3 days staring at the walls while I drool and recover my energy.

Big hugs, thinking of you...

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

PS: call or text as and when it's possible...happy to listen, commiserate, and send hugs. Also to, you know, BE there for as much as I can...

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Thank you - and yes, I've been concerned because some of what you say *does* sound like how I feel, and I know how bad that can be.

The thing about the fatigue... it's weird, but it's like, it takes just a bit of energy to feel meaningfulness or joy, and the fatigue leaves me without that energy. And it's not that I feel *bad* necessarily, it's just - there's no *point*. And that is what I consider the worst of it. That's what I would most fear happening to my friends, especially someone like you who seeks and brings and creates meaningfulness and joy.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

And you know, that's the tricky thing about this. I saw one good pocket definition: an introvert "recharges" by being alone, an extrovert "recharges" by socializing. But what if your energy is also affected by other issues? You never know if you're recharging some of your batteries while others are draining to the point of leakage.