Home and extremely tired, still...
Aug. 25th, 2004 11:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johnpalmerPeople have undoubtedly been seeing me pop into livejournal mode a little bit, and so they probably know that I'm home safe and sound, and have been since Sunday. However, I'm busy (except Monday, when I was "busy" resting), and drained, and more-than-a-little-depressed feeling.
I'm fighting the depression, successfully, but I think I drained my batteries quite thoroughly, and they're recharging slowly.
Good news: I gave the eulogy at the funeral. Bad news: Well, I'll go into later, or maybe not. It involves a lot of things, up to and including seeing my brother's remains boxed and shrink wrapped like they were going to fucking mail him to heaven or something. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh; I decided I have to try to laugh at it a little, but god damn it, *NO ONE PRAYS IN FRONT OF A BOX OF MY ASHES*, dig? You want a ceremony, do it while my body is still a body. If you gotta put me in a box, and *have* to hold a ceremony, fine, but cover it with a pretty cloth, and put a picture of me in front of it. Yes, this upsets me all out of proportion to the offense. Yes, I should be able to deal better. *BUT*... I'm saying it to you folks, not to the people who came up with that method of presentation. So, see, it counts as blowing off steam, not as angry, accusatory stuff.)
There's a funny thing about this grieving thing... people understand that you can't do certain things, but time passes, and things happen, and it hurts when you decide you don't have the energy to do things you'd like to do. I saw a friend of some friends lost the battle with darkness, for example, and wanted to say something, but, damn it, there was nothing to say. But I saw, I cared, and I grieved some along side them.
Hopefully, today I'm going to respond to the comments left in my livejournal... and I'm going to fight my guilt over doing it in one large block, and being repetitive.
I'd like to respond to everyone individually, and tell them all how each comment made me feel cared about, how each was a bit of comfort, and something to hold on to. But, I'm tired, and drained, and I don't have the time to make each one the gift it was to me... so I'll have to do the best I can afford to, right now, and accept that doing one's best is doing enough.
I'm fighting the depression, successfully, but I think I drained my batteries quite thoroughly, and they're recharging slowly.
Good news: I gave the eulogy at the funeral. Bad news: Well, I'll go into later, or maybe not. It involves a lot of things, up to and including seeing my brother's remains boxed and shrink wrapped like they were going to fucking mail him to heaven or something. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh; I decided I have to try to laugh at it a little, but god damn it, *NO ONE PRAYS IN FRONT OF A BOX OF MY ASHES*, dig? You want a ceremony, do it while my body is still a body. If you gotta put me in a box, and *have* to hold a ceremony, fine, but cover it with a pretty cloth, and put a picture of me in front of it. Yes, this upsets me all out of proportion to the offense. Yes, I should be able to deal better. *BUT*... I'm saying it to you folks, not to the people who came up with that method of presentation. So, see, it counts as blowing off steam, not as angry, accusatory stuff.)
There's a funny thing about this grieving thing... people understand that you can't do certain things, but time passes, and things happen, and it hurts when you decide you don't have the energy to do things you'd like to do. I saw a friend of some friends lost the battle with darkness, for example, and wanted to say something, but, damn it, there was nothing to say. But I saw, I cared, and I grieved some along side them.
Hopefully, today I'm going to respond to the comments left in my livejournal... and I'm going to fight my guilt over doing it in one large block, and being repetitive.
I'd like to respond to everyone individually, and tell them all how each comment made me feel cared about, how each was a bit of comfort, and something to hold on to. But, I'm tired, and drained, and I don't have the time to make each one the gift it was to me... so I'll have to do the best I can afford to, right now, and accept that doing one's best is doing enough.
