(no subject)

Wow... it's been a while since I've been saying anything in this journal regularly.

I've been busy, or rather, not-busy, at work. It turns out that I'm not quite working for Microsoft, after all. I'm working for Volt, contracting to TCS ("Tata Consultancy Services" and please, no jokes about the name unless you think I haven't already imagined it), and TCS is working for Microsoft.

Or, as I've been joking, "contracting to the Barrow Wights, who are contracting to the Uruk Hai, who are working for Sauron." Is it any wonder that I don't feel much company loyalty? :-)

Still no definitive word on teaching next quarter, but I did have a revelation today that was interesting, to say the least.

I figured out *why* my marriage is (well, "soon to be was"... the paperwork's filed, in 90 days (minus a few), it'll be over) so screwed up.

See, I was supporting Chris, and not getting much out of it. Why was that so bothersome?

Then I realized the implicit deal in a marriage. In a healthy marriage, you don't exactly work to help your spouse because you love your spouse. In a healthy marriage, you help your spouse because your spouse loves you.

It's not that you do things to earn the love of your spouse; it's more that the love of your spouse is the reward that you get for doing things.

Without that love being given in return (and that love can take many forms), all the work for the marriage becomes an unpleasant duty.

And Chris didn't love me... not in any "love is an active verb" sense. This is not a case for great sadness, because she doesn't have that much love for herself, either.

People can argue the old expression that "you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself", and it's a good expression to argue, because depending on how you define the terms, it can be true or false in varying degrees. However, love does not let a person waste away, doing nothing and being quietly miserable. Chris did not love herself enough to avoid that, and thus, did not have enough room to love me.

(no subject)

Wow... it's been a while since I've been saying anything in this journal regularly.

I've been busy, or rather, not-busy, at work. It turns out that I'm not quite working for Microsoft, after all. I'm working for Volt, contracting to TCS ("Tata Consultancy Services" and please, no jokes about the name unless you think I haven't already imagined it), and TCS is working for Microsoft.

Or, as I've been joking, "contracting to the Barrow Wights, who are contracting to the Uruk Hai, who are working for Sauron." Is it any wonder that I don't feel much company loyalty? :-)

Still no definitive word on teaching next quarter, but I did have a revelation today that was interesting, to say the least.

I figured out *why* my marriage is (well, "soon to be was"... the paperwork's filed, in 90 days (minus a few), it'll be over) so screwed up.

See, I was supporting Chris, and not getting much out of it. Why was that so bothersome?

Then I realized the implicit deal in a marriage. In a healthy marriage, you don't exactly work to help your spouse because you love your spouse. In a healthy marriage, you help your spouse because your spouse loves you.

It's not that you do things to earn the love of your spouse; it's more that the love of your spouse is the reward that you get for doing things.

Without that love being given in return (and that love can take many forms), all the work for the marriage becomes an unpleasant duty.

And Chris didn't love me... not in any "love is an active verb" sense. This is not a case for great sadness, because she doesn't have that much love for herself, either.

People can argue the old expression that "you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself", and it's a good expression to argue, because depending on how you define the terms, it can be true or false in varying degrees. However, love does not let a person waste away, doing nothing and being quietly miserable. Chris did not love herself enough to avoid that, and thus, did not have enough room to love me.