(no subject)

I'm tired, so this might come out disjointed. But I've seen something that kinda bugs me a bit.

rivka posted a link to a site that has some strong words for Jerry Lewis over "pity" for the disabled. It didn't strike me as a very good site, because it didn't make the case that Jerry Lewis is a jerk very well. It leaves open the option to me that there's miscommunication, or maybe some really bad blood due to the 'changing of the guard', so to speak.

"Pity"... I've seen folks make the word seem hateful. But I don't think the meaning is all that hateful. And, if you condemn pity, are you condemning compassion, as well? Am I being seen as a clod if I ask a person in a wheelchair "Need any help?" with the expectation that the answer is "no," but wanting to ask, just in case the answer's "yes, could you hold this door," or somesuch.

Even if I am seen as a clod by some, I figure I'll keep asking if/when it seems appropriate. Oh, not automatically... but if I see something that looks like it might be a problem (and, of course, try to keep track of refusals, so that if everyone says they don't need help with X, I won't be a durnfool and keep asking if they do.)

Maybe there is a changing of the guard... and maybe there should be. Feminism came around, and some things that were courtly and accepted by 'ladies' (the obvious, famous example being "getting the door for a lady") were seen by some as rude. I'll keep my eyes and ears open, and hope I handle it right. And if I find I'm offensive to some, I'll do my damnedest to say, non-guiltily, "sorry; I didn't know it'd bother you"... and then try to find out if I was being a durnfool after all, or if I maybe just ran into someone in a crabby mood.

I guess what bothers me is the balance.

One one side, you want to be aware of disabilities. You want to think "Okay... look! a person in a wheel chair won't be able to negotiate this path, and may have to be able to. Let's widen it." You want to make them real, and not deny them or ignore them.

But, yeah, you can't make them into "the person". And, no, pity probably ISN'T the right emotion.

Sigh. I have a disability. I get depressed *MUCH* too easily, and a wave of tiredness/fatigue can make me depressed. And, it seems to me, right now, that I have to gird myself for a lifelong struggle. "So, maybe 90% of the planet wakes up, and feels kinda-sorta happy, if they're not sick and no tragedy struck them recently... well, you can't count on that, and you better not start getting angry because you can't. You've got this problem, and it ain't going away!"

At the same time, I can't let it rule my life. If I let it be too big a part of my life, it invites the very despair that it's made up of.

So, in one sense, it has to be a crucially important part of my life. In another, it's got to be relegated to a corner of my life. And, I sure as heck wouldn't want people 'pitying' me for that, especially not if it colored their perceptions of my real abilities.

I mustn't pretend I'm 'normal'... but then, I have to try to BE normal.

It's a balancing act, and I think it's a similar balancing act to what goes on when thinking about folks with disabilities. You don't want to pretend everyone's "normal"... but then, you want to do what you can to make them able to be normal.

If that's right, I hope I can find the right balance... both in my life, and in how I treat others. Because I suspect the lesson to be learned might be exactly the same for both.

(no subject)

I'm tired, so this might come out disjointed. But I've seen something that kinda bugs me a bit.

rivka posted a link to a site that has some strong words for Jerry Lewis over "pity" for the disabled. It didn't strike me as a very good site, because it didn't make the case that Jerry Lewis is a jerk very well. It leaves open the option to me that there's miscommunication, or maybe some really bad blood due to the 'changing of the guard', so to speak.

"Pity"... I've seen folks make the word seem hateful. But I don't think the meaning is all that hateful. And, if you condemn pity, are you condemning compassion, as well? Am I being seen as a clod if I ask a person in a wheelchair "Need any help?" with the expectation that the answer is "no," but wanting to ask, just in case the answer's "yes, could you hold this door," or somesuch.

Even if I am seen as a clod by some, I figure I'll keep asking if/when it seems appropriate. Oh, not automatically... but if I see something that looks like it might be a problem (and, of course, try to keep track of refusals, so that if everyone says they don't need help with X, I won't be a durnfool and keep asking if they do.)

Maybe there is a changing of the guard... and maybe there should be. Feminism came around, and some things that were courtly and accepted by 'ladies' (the obvious, famous example being "getting the door for a lady") were seen by some as rude. I'll keep my eyes and ears open, and hope I handle it right. And if I find I'm offensive to some, I'll do my damnedest to say, non-guiltily, "sorry; I didn't know it'd bother you"... and then try to find out if I was being a durnfool after all, or if I maybe just ran into someone in a crabby mood.

I guess what bothers me is the balance.

One one side, you want to be aware of disabilities. You want to think "Okay... look! a person in a wheel chair won't be able to negotiate this path, and may have to be able to. Let's widen it." You want to make them real, and not deny them or ignore them.

But, yeah, you can't make them into "the person". And, no, pity probably ISN'T the right emotion.

Sigh. I have a disability. I get depressed *MUCH* too easily, and a wave of tiredness/fatigue can make me depressed. And, it seems to me, right now, that I have to gird myself for a lifelong struggle. "So, maybe 90% of the planet wakes up, and feels kinda-sorta happy, if they're not sick and no tragedy struck them recently... well, you can't count on that, and you better not start getting angry because you can't. You've got this problem, and it ain't going away!"

At the same time, I can't let it rule my life. If I let it be too big a part of my life, it invites the very despair that it's made up of.

So, in one sense, it has to be a crucially important part of my life. In another, it's got to be relegated to a corner of my life. And, I sure as heck wouldn't want people 'pitying' me for that, especially not if it colored their perceptions of my real abilities.

I mustn't pretend I'm 'normal'... but then, I have to try to BE normal.

It's a balancing act, and I think it's a similar balancing act to what goes on when thinking about folks with disabilities. You don't want to pretend everyone's "normal"... but then, you want to do what you can to make them able to be normal.

If that's right, I hope I can find the right balance... both in my life, and in how I treat others. Because I suspect the lesson to be learned might be exactly the same for both.