(no subject)

[johnpalmer]

I suppose if I was supposed to feel guilty about this, I could feel
really guilty that the three or four journal entries I composed on my
laptop(s) haven't made it over here. Still, let me get to the meat of
them.

First, my insurance company sucks rocks; they don't cover my
psychiatrist. Now I have to find a new one. (Fortunately, Dr.
Sokolov is cool, and will do whatever I need to get new meds until I
can find one. Unfortunately, this isn't a good time to have to doctor
hunt.)

Second, I guess my insurance company isn't that bad. They've allotted
me twelve physical therapy visits to fix my knee.

Bad-news-sub-1: my knee is feeling the way it did when I started
exercising on it before, leading to=20

Bad-news-sub-2: I don't think twelve visits will be enough. Still,
I'm hoping (and I'm betting I'm right) that PT is 'one of those
things' where it's known that you'll have to go get more visits
authorized.

For those of you just joining, I have tedonitis in my right knee.
This keeps me from most of my 'fun' exercises (the ones that don't use
my arms, so I can read while I'm exercising). Since it's my knee,
this means my weight is a factor.

But, when I can't exercise, I'm more vulnerable to depression.
When I'm depressed, I tend to eat more, and tend to hate not being
able to eat something that I want.
Thus, knee problems ending my exercise have a nasty spiralling effect
possible.

However, since my PT is making my knee ache like it did when I was
exercising gently, I think I'm going to start exercising gently again.
If it's okay for the knee to hurt from PT, it's probably okay if I'm
exercising gently and getting it to hurt that much, too.

(The PT people cleared me for gentle exercise, but I was kind of
hoping there was more of a science to this than there is. There's
nothing like "well, if it's a sharp pain, that's bad, but an ache is
okay", or "if your knee feels like it will give out, that's a horrible
thing" (I mentioned my knee was about to give out during leg presses -
"that's fine; remember, we're trying to re-establish your control over
these things.")

Anyway, the thing is, I'm still scared that I'm going to do something
and ruin any of the progress that I've made up until now. Honestly, I
think my desire for exercise is partly "okay, if I'm going to collapse
horribly, let's GET IT OVER WITH!")


Probably, anyone reading this also reads alt.callahans, and have seen
the recent troubles there. I had one person get what I thought was
defensive on me, which has me torn up, and talking it through isn't
going to help, because I can't seem to communicate with this person.
I had other people trying to tell me things that show that they don't
understand what I'm talking about. And other comments... sigh.

I really do understand certain things. I really do see weird patterns
in things. But they're things that I can't put into words.

You know, there are times when I think I actually have Asperger's
syndrome. One of the keys of Aspergers is that a lot of our
recognition of other people's thoughts and feelings isn't as universal
as we think it is. Folks with Aspergers can't see, and understand, a
lot of things that we take for granted. Someone says "I'll be with
you in a minute" and gets back to work. Usually, you know if they
mean "let me finish writing this up, and don't go away", or if they
mean "go back to (your office, or whatever), and I'll get in touch
with you later."

To a person with Asperger's, the idea that they might be 'saying' "go
away for now, I'll find you later" is very artificial. They said
they'll be with you in a minute... so, really, in one-to-five minutes,
they'll stop what they're doing, and talk to you.

Okay, how could that relate to me? Well, see, a lot of people with
Aspergers end up finding an interest. I wonder if my interest was
this emotional language thing. Like, the reason I'm so good at it is
that I'm totally outside of it, so I see things other people are
missing, because it's so natural to them. Some people who have to
learn English as a foreign language have better spelling, grammar,
and punctuation than the native English speakers, because the
non-natives had to learn the rules specifically, and can see how each
one is applied. Each thing learned is new and has more 'fascination'
value.

Okay, but why wonder if I have Aspergers?

Well, because Aspergers and ADHD have similar symptoms.

And... damn it all, I sometimes feel like I don't understand everyone
else, like I really am a 'freak' of some kind or another. (Please
note: this says "if I had Aspergers, I wouldn't be a freak", because
there'd be a reason for this.)

Hah. =

When I read the Werewolf: The Apocolypse game books, I was intensely
glad that I didn't read them much earlier in my life.

The idea is that you never know you're a werewolf, until the first
change. There are signs, of course, and if werewolves were believed to
exist, and were studied, you might know about those signs, but, of
course, werewolves don't exist.

But prior to the change, werewolves tend to feel different from
everyone around them, with 'something' inside them that they learn to
hide early on, because they realize no one else has it.

And then, after the change, the local tribes will find you and show
you that you're *NOT* a freak, that you're 'just a werewolf', one of
Gaia's protectors. And, of course, since wolves are pack animals, you
find not only a purpose in life, but a family as well.

It's kinda funny; I'm emotionally numb, so this doesn't have too much
of an effect on me, right now. But it's brought me to tears more than
a few times... and even now, I can feel that chasm inside me
threatening to surface.

Ah well... I *AM* at work, so I'd better do some work. (Like, say,
job hunting. Hey, there aren't any open tickets right now, I don't
have any other work to do!)